Michael Holden's Deleted Scenes - Gatecrashing the Cat Porn Party

While our own species seldom fails to let itself down, it’s always gratifying to hear the attributes of humanity decanted into the animal kingdom – as this conversation illustrates (almost as well as those paintings of dogs playing snooker, and that).

Man #1: “Did you hear Kenny’s story?”

Man #2: “Kenny’s got a cat?”

Man #1: “No. His mate’s said: 'Look after the cat while we’re away. There’s a flap. All you have to do is feed it.' So he’s done this for a week or so, and then one day he’s gone over there and – wallop – one’s shot out the flap as soon as he’s got there.”

Man #2: “Not the cat he’s feeding?”

Man #1: “Not at all. Then he’s gone upstairs and there’s six of them, sat about. Then they’ve seen Kenny, panicked, like it’s all on top. Five have legged it and the original one’s just sitting there, sort of guilty like.”

Man #2: “Drug residue?”

Man #1: “Absolutely. Porn on the flat screen. Seriously, though. How do they communicate? How do they tell the others, 'Look, I’ve got the place to myself, all back to mine.' The people said this cat has never had another cat in the house before. Now obviously the one that shot out is the lookout. So Kenny’s got there too late to see what was really going down. But I imagine it was like those paintings of the dogs playing snooker. Something along those lines."

Man #2: “Unless it’s the other way around. The outside cats have cuckooed the other one. Sent a female in first to distract him. Then piled in behind her and taken over.”

Man #1: “That might be it. They did leave in a hurry.”

Man #2: “Maybe they heard about Kenny… you know what he’s like.”

Man #1: “True, true. I never thought of that.”

@thewrongwriter

Previously: Michael Holden's Deleted Scenes - Cheese Dealer