Britain has voted to leave the EU. Nigel Farage just made an actual victory speech. The pound is at its lowest for 30 years. Old people have changed the futures of the young. A campaign of division has won, rationality has lost. Oh god! What? Wtf??
But hey – wow, chill out, guys. Maybe it's not all that bad! Maybe we can console ourselves with one or all of these things?
David Cameron Says He'll Be Out By October
He will be sad now. Haha! Let's hope Boris Johnson doesn't get in! Or Gove! Or May! Or…
The Smug Social Media Brigade Are Now Also Sad
All those sanctimonious arseholes telling you to vote the way you wanted for reasons you didn't – they're now sad, too. Woo! Result!
Your Christmas Dinner Will Be More Tolerable Because Your Racist Uncle Will Be Appeased
That, or he will feel smug, vindicated and emboldened, and not even bother caveating the racist stuff he says with, "I'm not a racist, but…"
The hot takes you're reading right now are undeniably much more interesting than a political hack trying to get 800 words out of "nothing happened".
"Bring a Pen" Conspiracy Theorists Might Feel Stupid
How we laughed at these idiots. It's a good thing there was no actual conspiracy stopping the chronically paranoid and massively stupid from getting what they want. Hail democracy!
A Boon for British Tourism
A collapsing pound will make London a more attractive tourist destination for thrifty tourists, meaning even more of them blocking the escalators on the tube. Resurgent petty nationalism will see a staycation boon, meaning British seaside towns might finally turn a corner.
Some left-leaning people campaigned for Out because the EU is an undemocratic behemoth that makes naughty corporate trade deals and enforces a racist border system against migrants from the rest of the world. You might agree with the criticisms, but you've dismissed this stance as a fanciful and politically naïve position given the overall context. But what do you know? As the result shows, you know less than you thought!
Berlin Hates You Anyway
We've all thought about running away to a European capital with the residue of social democracy more firmly encrusted on its cobblestones. That could become a more tricky prospect, but think about it like this: do you actually speak German? If not, be thankful that you've been spared the humiliation of being tarred and feathered by Friedrichshain anarchists.
Things Were Fucked Either Way
We've been spared ill-deserved, self-satisfied cheering for a Remain "victory", which would have been in the context of 30 percent of the country becoming increasingly irate, precisely because of the sort detached of liberal smuggery that would be playing out on our screens. This way, at least we know we're fucked.
If We're All Doomed, We Can Pass Off Our Hedonistic Lifestyle Choices as a Savvy Investment in Savvy Nihilism
Which is… cool? I guess?
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