How 'The Real Housewives of Toronto' Is Embarrassing the Whole Franchise

When we think of prestige television, it's easy to keep our scope within the frame of network dramas. Shows like The Sopranos and Breaking Bad come to mind . To me, there's entire category of television most snobs ignore when discussing prestige drama—reality TV. And within reality TV, one franchise reigns supreme: Bravo's The Real Housewives.

Banking on the success of ABC's Desperate Housewives, in 2009 The Real Housewives franchise began in the O.C. with The Real Housewives of Orange County (known to fans as RHOC) which followed the "real" lives of a bunch of stupidly rich women. That's more or less the entire concept of any of the Real Housewives shows—the daily lives of people with too much money, time, and botox. As of now, the franchise has followed gaggles of extremely wealthy women in 17 cities from Beverly Hills to Athens, Greece.

I've shamelessly been watching the series on and off since 2009, after my pregnant sister began binging the The Real Housewives of New Jersey because she had nothing else to do. We grew up loving trashy TV, so I knew I'd be into it. "This will change your life," she told me. After watching the now legendary clip of Teresa Giudice (a housewife who recently spent time in prison for fraud) flipping over a table and calling another housewife a "prostitution whore," an insult I'm still trying to parse eight years later, I was hooked.

From my first introduction I've dipped my toes into various Real Housewives iterations, trying to figure out exactly what has made the show endure so many seasons. I can only conclude the show has lasted so long and spanned so many cities because rich crazy people with no real substance will never be boring. But after watching the first few episodes of Slice's The Real Housewives of Toronto, I'm no longer so sure of my theory.

Once I heard there would be a Toronto chapter of The Real Housewives, I was ecstatic, since I live in Toronto and am very excited anytime popular culture acknowledges Toronto. Did you know Drake is from Toronto? I am required by city bylaw to mention this. But back to Housewives.

For so long, I've watched totally batshit women fight over nothing in front of dozens of guests at parties in locations I couldn't imagine. I've watched these women hock products or try and promote their children (Gigi Hadid, anyone?) I never have a chance of bumping into. I've watched them walk down unfamiliar streets and fight in equally unfamiliar dimly lit restaurants over tiny plates of salad. Finally, I had the chance to get to know these privileged, awful women in a city I live in, hopefully making the experience of watching the housewives more intimate. Only, the Real Housewives of Toronto is SO BORING. The show currently airs only in Canada, and Americans — you're not missing out.

The show follows the same format of any of its sister cities. First indication of how tired it would be: the show's tagline is "Follow the six from The Six." It's a fact that nobody from Toronto has ever called it "the Six" despite how hard Drake has tried to make it happen. (Remember, Drake is from Toronto.)

The first episode introduces us to the various "housewives" and all their roles on the show. If you know nothing about reality TV or the housewives—the villains must be established from the first episode at the very least. Villains are the only reason a show can exist and thrive. In The Real Housewives of Toronto, we learn immediately this will be Kara Alloway—a stylish born-again Christian. She is rich because she is old money, and also her husband owns a law firm. While that sounds like it was formulated by some kind of Real Housewives Villain Generator, she just ends up being annoying and boring. Her voice is grating and her Christianity also isn't much of character device.

The rest of the housewives—a French-Canadian former TV star, the owner of a fitness company, a CEO and real estate tycoon, and two women who married rich—are extremely normal. They're just rich, and not even the fun kind. They don't have weird dark pasts, they probably aren't the kind of rich that belongs in jail. They frequent the same strip of King Street West (the faux trendy area of Toronto) and hang out on rooftop bars. They aren't flipping tables or yelling at each other, they just talk shit and have lukewarm confrontations about talking shit.

In one episode, they go to Muskoka (which they call the Hamptons of Toronto even though THERE IS NO HAMPTONS OF TORONTO!), which is when I thought the drama would really start. Anyone who watches a Real Housewives series knows a location change means some kind of verbal or physical altercation, guaranteed. The climax of this shitty trip at their lakefront cottages was, I shit you not, Kara breaking her rib after going tubing.

While the lack of drama is astounding, the worst thing about RHOT is how real it is in a bad way. I wanted to see a side of Toronto I was unfamiliar with that would make feel like a true voyeur. Only the show highlights the same kind of people who likely drive past streetcars as they're stopping to let people off, or the type of person who begs a barista to let their dog into a Starbucks for "just a second." These women don't know Toronto at all, they have no real ins or socialite status. A location scout probably got them to meet up at Portland Variety to gab about Muskoka. I keep waiting for my Lisa Vanderpump (the ultimate star of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) but instead I'm given this boring ass born-again Christian shit. If any of these women went to a REAL Real Housewives city, they'd get eaten alive within seconds.

While the series is still young, maybe this is a lesson. Canada can't do reality TV right (our version of Jersey Shore got canceled before it even started). In fact, we had our shot at a Real Housewives franchise with Vancouver which was cancelled after just two seasons. I barely remember a single face from that show, though I imagine they're currently watching RHOT and thinking, Hindsight is 20/20 bitches.

Perhaps the issue is that we just don't have it in us to be the type of reality "crazy" only Americans and British have perfected. Maybe it's because Canada isn't really a place where people become famous the way they do in America—we have very little outside reach. The only thing that can save RHOT is if it comes out that one of them lied about their past (secretly American/British) or has a secret evil twin who stirs shit up during one of their boring brunches. Or, at the very least, Drake makes a cameo.

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