Vladimir Putin is hands down the world's most shirtless leader. He's always in the news trying to flex those pasty delts and droopy pecs of his like he's fooling anyone. So when a video of him hitting the gym was released this week, VICE Sports asked me to go through Putin's workout routine and give some feedback since I did the same for Drake's fake-ass, bicep-only "workout" routine over at Noisey.
A little about myself: I cut down to 195 pounds this summer but am looking to get back up to 210 in my winter bulking phase. My life is about getting swole as hell and my favorite person to follow on Instagram is The Rock. I love to get into beast mode with a couple scoops of N.O.-Xplode. Still looking for my swole mate if any ladies out there can handle a man who commits to the gym first. Keep calm and train hard.
Arite first off, Putin starts his workout right: You gotta walk into the gym hard. Flex and let them little leg-day skipping bitches know who runs those weights. Too bad it's impossible to be scared of a dude who tucks his shirt into his sweatpants. And nice gloves, bro. Weightlifting gloves are mad corny to begin with, but this motherfucker was like, "Yeah, gimme the biggest UFC fighting gloves you have, those will help me bench press somehow."
Putin quickly establishes his status as that old guy on the cables who spends four hours at the gym every day of his retirement just to get away from his wife. You'd think, with all that time watching people creepily from the water cooler, he'd pick up a thing or two about chest flyes. Like, for example, you gotta lean forward, bro! Get a stretch in the outer pectorals. Don't just flap your hands up and down like you're trying to fly away.
Tricep Dip Machine
What corny-ass gym is this that has a moving seat on the dip machine? Did Putin accidentally step into a children's playground and get on the see-saw? Anyway, here's Putin doing one set of jungle gyms followed by a superset of merry-go-rounds. That should get those triceps totally swole, bro.
More Chest Flyes
Oh good, more chest flyes. At least he figured out he's supposed to lean over. Too bad he's got the posture of Woody from Toy Story. Bruh, you gotta keep your chest out, arms rigid, slight bend in the elbow, and bring them together like you're hugging a tree. They have trees in Russia, right? Or just a bunch of lame-ass spa gyms?
Yeah. You gotta stretch those calves. It's important. Can't even fault the guy for this. Just one question though… WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE????
Oh Jesus More Chest Flyes
Hey, Putin, if just ONE out of the 200 sets of chest flyes you do was in halfway decent form, maybe every shirtless photo of you wouldn't look like you're rockin a big ol' pair of titties on that pale white chest of yours. Putin also works out with the focus of a person trying to remember if he left the stove on at home.
Back Rows Like a Schmuck
Bro. BRO. What is this form? What are you even doing with your hands here, bro? They practically make these machines idiot-proof. You're gonna walk in to the next meeting at the UN or wherever and be like, "Oh sorry, I can't shake your hand, it hurts my lil wrists." And it's gonna cause World War III. All 'cause you couldn't read the friggin' directions on the side of the machine. Get a grip, bruh. Literally.
Spotting His Bro
"Yeah, that's it, bro. Keep your back straight. Basically do the opposite of everything I've been doing so far."
Side Ab Crunches
Look, brah. No one likes doing abs, but could you at least humor us and do more than two reps here? Putin is the guy who lays on the bench long enough to get his sweat and old man stench on it and then walks away without wiping it down. Oh boy, Putin, can't wait to see your old, wrinkly sack in the locker room later.
Putin's enjoying a nice, post-workout meal with his bro here. Looks like he's got a nice sirloin steak and some tea. Uh, tea, bro? I seriously hope you put a scoop of Muscle Milk in that. No one ever got jacked drinking Earl Grey, yo.