Bet you thought you could get away with a nice, calm turkey dinner this year, what with the Adele album being out and 2015 being kind of like political arguments training wheels—relatively cushy compared to the election season Thanksgiving to come. Well, I'm sorry. Broadly has obtained an exclusive copy of a Racist Aunts and Uncles internal memo, detailing some surprise curveball topics they are NOT afraid to twist into a horrifying conversation about The Gays. What follows is an incomplete transcript, annotated with thoughtful suggestions from your Uncle Jeff (ugh, we know).
From: Jeff (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Date: November 25, 2015
Subject: Gobble Gobble! Just kidding: global problems
Hello Chads, Lindas, and Kevins!
Seems like it comes earlier every year, and it's here again: Our Time. Between Thanksgiving, various winter holidays (can't say which one because of the WAR that's going on), and, if you're lucky, some kind of parentally-enforced, multi-generational family trip over New Year's, now really is the season of the Racist Aunt and Uncle. It's time to dust off the old corduroys, find your glasses chain, and pack your arguing flask, friends. Let's get ready to bother our younger relatives!
I know that this year, like every year, you'll be looking for ways to spread the gospel of free speech, monogamous, heterosexual love, and "are you sure you want to eat that," but as I'm sure you're aware, it's a more difficult time to be an RAU than ever. Hate mongering sites like Buzzfeed and televised variety programs like Saturday Night Live have cottoned on to our mission of education and devil's advocacy. It's not longer enough to take a second serving of yams and shout "Abortion kills children, grown children!" in the general direction of the dinner table. The ignorant youngs have been brainwashed by the liberal media to not engage with such classics as "If global warming is real why's it snowing in Africa," "Obamacare made my friend blind," and impressions of taxi drivers' accents.
Don't worry. As Donald Trump once said, "Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war." Your confusing younger relatives with the piercings and the boyfriends wearing lipgloss might be getting smarter, but we're still smartstest. Simply dust off some of these killer moves for a subtler, still racist you:
- If your relatives are setting clear boundaries to you regarding what parts of their bodies or areas of their personal lives they don't want to talk to you about, simply transpose the questions onto your own body/personal life and provide the answers in the form of questions (i.e. "My thighs get very dry this time of year, don't yours?").
- When in doubt, start a conversation about music. Transition into a conversation about rappers, generally, and voila! From there you can go in basically any direction and still be antagonistic.
- Offer to say grace. As in comments sections, so at mealtime prayer: It's impossible to be wrong if you're doing something in the name of the lord.
- While you'll be found out the moment you bring up Bernie Sanders, try starting small, by referencing anything around you currently burning. From there it's an easy jump to "'Feel the Bern?' more like, 'Steal the hard-earned money of taxpayers!'" If there are no candles at your holiday meal, conceal matches on your person and light a nearby napkin on fire to illustrate the dangers of socialism.
- Reset the table using napkins you've brought from home: time-softened pamphlets about fetal fingernail development. Attempt to start a rousing game of "Never Have I Ever" where all of your statements end in "had an abortion."
- Let your younger relatives pick the restaurant. ("Fusion" is just liberal code for racial mixing!)
- Try to name any Asian actor (out loud) for twenty minutes.
- Remember: if there's a new boyfriend or girlfriend at the meal, they'll absolutely be too afraid to stop you. Corner them near the cheese tray and begin by asking them to clarify their gender. If they start making Help Me eyes at their partner, simply block their path and shout "Tax single mothers!"
Peace, love, and the right to bear arms,