Read More: Living with My Mother's Mental Illness
So I phone my dad in hysterics and plead he drive all the way over to my flat to get me. He does. He spends the next two hours carving through steaming rush-hour choked streets to my rescue. Major shouts to you, Dad.
Sure, unsustainable anxiety levels are something I can just about hack… but once strange sounds start gnawing at my skull, I know I'm beat.
Work send me a crabby email about attendance. I move jobs a lot because I fuck up a lot. I have these sporadic stints of managing relatively demanding and successfully salaried careers in social media, but this malevolent sickness always catches up to me, and I inevitably piss it all down the drain time and time again.
Read More: Living with PMS That Makes You Want to Die
I'm contemplating raking a razor over my thighs because skin slicing works a dream—there's no other release quite like it.
Personality disorder or no personality disorder, forging adulthood fucking sucks. So, in part I enjoy reading other young people's experience of BPD, because it makes me feel a little bit less alone. The flip side? Their experiences instil within me searing jealousy. I could shit spite. I'm so far from being OK and sometimes, when I read this stuff I remember that. Then I feel like I'm about to drop off into darkness again.I'm not bemoaning other people's extraordinarily courageous experiences with BPD. What I'm making a feeble attempt to get at is the following: I don't have any great advice for anyone going through this. I can't tell you you're going to make it because I haven't yet. Solitary suffering is my vibe. Maybe it's yours too. Somewhat immune to help and intervention, I'm no role model. What I do know is that nothing is as healing or calming as knowing you aren't alone in a painful situation. Knowing that someone else gets it; knowing that someone else is going through it right now and hasn't come through the other side. Sure, solace still seems entirely unattainable, but there is one thing that's helped me inch tediously towards it: Unclenching my tongue from my teeth. I recommend giving it a try.
Solitary suffering is my vibe. Maybe it's yours too.