How to Survive Public Transport on a Big Night Out

Before Uber arrived and we all became obsessed with how many gold stars we could get for behaving ourselves in the back of a Toyota Prius, public transport was as integral to a big night out as chips or mephedrone. For many of us—read: those of us who have to accept the night bus in order to afford another round of drinks—it still is, and just as the club offers an expedition into dark, clanking mystery, so the journey to and from is an adventure in its own right.

Whether it's jumping aboard an adorable P4 to Brixton, sliding around the tram to Deansgate, or losing your mind on the last Merseyrail into town, the after-dark commute can be a perilous but rich affair. The constant wobble of wine bottles as they roll up and down the top deck, the stank of vomit and aftershave, gloopy mascara tears and thick April rain. Public transport on a big Saturday night is an odyssey of suburban escape and big-city promise—a pilgrimage of sticky shoes, wide-eyes and bolted barriers. Come with us now as we journey through the dos and don'ts of night-time voyages over broken tarmac, pausing only for hilarious anecdotes and temporary traffic lights. Start your engines, top up your Oysters, please move down inside the content.

Via Flickr.

Obviously timing is important when it comes to catching buses and trains—the advice in this column is generally more developed than that—but its relevance to your happiness becomes far greater on a night out. For example, get to a bus stop too early on a winter's night and you risk feeling the sub-Alaskan sting against your bare legs as the digits "12 MINS" in blinking orange lights apparently react to the cold by freezing in time. Then again, arrive too late and you'll miss the last bus—suddenly that request for one more song back at the flat has cost you more than just a noise complaint from the retiree below who's heard Paleman's "Beezledub" 15 times in one night.

If you're using public transport on a night out, always travel in a group. There's the obvious dimension to this, that public transport by night isn't the safest place to be, so having a few extra people minimises your risk of being headbutted or having your Hula Hoops stolen. That's not the main reason why traveling on your own is a bad idea though. The worst part is navigating your way through every possible facial expression, as you try and look invisible before the pissed-out-of-her-mind bride-to-be who is lilting down the aisle handing out free "kisses with tongues." She's getting closer now, you're looking out the window pretending to think about things. She's two seats away, some drunk bloke just gave her a kiss on the cheek, you're desperately reading your obviously out-of-battery phone. And she's here, breathing in your face, her mates are screaming "GO ON GIVE HER A KISS," you can smell the Jacob's Creek, you grimace, you shake your head, you say sorry, you say no, her friends shout "AWWWWWWW," she's doing a mock-sad face, she returns to her seat and your night is ruined before it's even begun.

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