How Would The Premier League Shape Up In The Aftermath Of Devastating Nuclear War? | US | Translation

While we were hoping we wouldn't be writing this piece quite so early on in 2017, we feel compelled to say that devastating nuclear war now feels closer than it has in quite some time. With the elevation of an absolute wong 'un to the status of President of the United States, the sense of instability in world politics is giving everything that vague whiff of radioactive fallout, a sensation which will be familiar to those who lived through the 1940s, the Cold War, and the death throes of the USSR. Not only is it appallingly obvious that Donald Trump has no real conception of the working of a nuclear weapon, it has also become apparent that many people would advocate the nuclear extinction of humanity were it to result in lower taxes, fewer immigrants, and an end to all that political correctness. Sure, most of us will be incinerated in horrifying fashion, but at least those libel snowflakes won't still be banging on about women's rights.

Of course, this being a sports site with a strong interest in football, the onset of nuclear armageddon leaves us with one absolutely crucial question. Outside of the political sphere, how would the Premier League shape up in the aftermath of a major nuclear exchange between global superpowers? We asked the good people of Football Manager, and this is what we learned!

The thing is, Football Manager is not cut out to sim the complex variables of nuclear winter. While the game does simulate the effects of Brexit these days, it doesn't have the capacity to predict the rebirth of society in a post-nuclear world. Moreover, we suspect that simulating the annihilation of most of humanity would be against Football Manager's brand values, which is understandable really, because the nuclear apocalypse could be extremely bad for gamers and the games industry more generally. As such, we must attempt to do the impossible in the context of contemporary sports journalism: predict something about the future of football without using Football Manager to help.

Naturally, in the immediate aftermath of a major nuclear exchange, it's safe to say that the Premier League would be affected in the same way as the rest of humanity. Matches would cease, fixtures would have to be cancelled, and all stadiums would either be summarily incinerated or left damaged and derelict from the force of the blasts. A select group of Premier League footballers would be wealthy enough to buy their way into underground bunkers, where they would be able to sit out the nuclear winter while eating baked beans and sporadically breaking out into bouts of violent Lord of the Flies-esque groupthink. The rest of the survivors, including everyone currently playing in the Championship downwards, would be left to fend for themselves in the ashen lands above.

There would be pros and cons in this situation as far as the future of top-flight football is concerned, though numerous variables now start to come into play. Cons might include radiation poisoning, starvation, lack of usable training equipment and ultimately death but, conversely, this might eventually create opportunities for young English players and coaches, so we can assume that Paul Merson would be on board. On top of this, there would finally be a winter break in England, which would please the more continental pundits. Obviously the winter in question would be between five and 20 years long and mainly feature famines, plummeting temperatures and vast clouds of black carbon blotting out the sun, but there would be considerably fewer hamstring tweaks in early February, so that's something.

When the wealthy were ready to emerge from their bunkers, their first concern would no doubt be employing the rest of us on subsistence wages – the new economic system would be founded on surplus baked beans – to till the earth and produce a meagre harvest. This would take precedence over owning football clubs, most likely for several years. With the skies clearing and a few more rays of light falling on our sallow planet, our overlords would have more time to think about leisure, and their thoughts would doubtlessly turn to the beautiful game. They wouldn't be interested in watching it, of course, but conservatives would see it as necessary panem et circenses, while liberals would think of it as a fantastic way to briefly reduce cannibalism on Saturday afternoons.

In a hierarchical sense, then, the Premier League would most likely be largely unchanged. The same people who own our football clubs now would own them again after a nuclear winter, but rather than charge extortionate prices for season tickets they would exchange them directly for labour, hence taking the next logical step in football and physically indenturing the matchgoing fan. For those currently disillusioned with football who have endured the nuclear apocalypse up until this point, there would be the comfort of knowing that there were phoenix clubs to support which had quite literally risen from the ashes. Obviously, being run by the same people, they would face almost all of the same problems, though the realities of living in an irradiated wasteland would make a relative trifle of the cost of replica shirts.

To recap, it seems likely that the Premier League would be up and running again within 25 years of a nuclear catastrophe, and the chances are it would have roughly the same structure as it has now. The FA would no doubt have survived en masse in an especially cushy bomb shelter somewhere, so they would sort out rules and referees, and even in an irradiated wasteland presumably continue to piss everyone off. Stadiums would have to be rebuilt and repaired, but this could be sorted out speedily enough – albeit at incredible human cost. In fairness, the process would be little different to the preparations to the World Cup in Qatar, an event which proves that the hierarchy of world football are happy to inflict appalling suffering on their fellow man, with or without nuclear winter as an excuse.

In terms of who would actually play in the newly reformed Premier League, those players who had retreated to their bunkers would be too old to continue at the highest level. They might return with 'STILL GOT IT' viral articles every now and again, but then much like the most durable strains of bacteria there are some forms of content which are too shareable to die. With the former stars now aged and decrepit, a new generation of footballers would have to be recruited, though they are at least guaranteed to be seriously committed in lieu of modern training standards. Imagine that the kid from Cormac McCarthy's The Road were to survive to adulthood and become a right-sided centre-back, and then try to tell us that kid would be less tenacious in the tackle than Phil Jones.

Sadly for the players, there would be no Jimmy Hill to help them unionise in the post-nuclear future, hence they would in all likelihood end up working in exchange for baked beans much like the rest of humanity. There would also be the added risks of residual radiation, packs of feral dogs, and mangled debris embedded in the pitch. Without state-of-the-art rehab facilities, isotonic sports drinks and the sports science techniques pioneered by Arsene Wenger – who has finally decided to stop managing Arsenal on account of having to share his dugout with an extremely smug millenarian prophet – careers would inevitably be shortened, hence incentivising players to make the most of their time on the pitch. This could make the Premier League considerably more exciting, and may even improve our showings in Europe if there are any teams left there to play.

Without the aid of Football Manager, we cannot look further than this into the future. We can only hope that the game's technology one day catches up with the human imagination, at which point we expect a tacit invite to more accurately sim the consequences of nuclear war on the Premier League. Either that, or the new world order could kick off the process in actuality, and we could test the strength of our predictions against the terrible truth of global obliteration. Hopefully an improved version of Football Manager will come first, with further insights including: Arsenal to finish fourth, Sunderland to be relegated, and Frank Lampard to manage a supermutant Burnley squad to triumph in a post-nuclear top flight.

@W_F_Magee