Athletes, eh? They're just so fucking noble, aren't they? Well done them, but sometimes you can't help but wish our Olympic heroes were a little bit more dishonest. A little bit more like footballers. Imagine for instance, if Sir Chris Hoy and Ben Ainslie had a spit-roast session with some girls from Warrington and a minor UK Garage DJ. Imagine if Paula Radcliffe tripped up one of her opponents, and then called her a slag on Twitter.
With this in mind, we wondered what would happen in a race in which everybody was cheating. In which every single competitor had an unfair advantage. With this fact and our pathetic Team GB jealousy in mind, we decided to stage the world's first "Corrupt Olympics". And what better event to judge it with than the daddy of them all, the Men's 100m final.
Racer #1: Jamie
Performance Enhancer: Oscar Pistorious legs
South African sprinter Oscar Pistorious has come under all sorts of criticism for having no legs. Apparently the prosthetic "blades" that he runs in give him an unfair advantage, as if the rest the other of the runners' legs were holding them back. It's a ridiculous claim made by bitter people, but we decided to hear them out and equip Jamie here with a pair of blade runners.
He was a little scared to move from the grass to the track and it has to be said that he didn't look entirely comfortable. He had two falls before the race so hopefully that would be out of his system by the time the starting gun fired.
Racer #2: Adam
Performance Enhancer: Lamb testicles
Not entirely sure of the science here, but apparently ancient Greek athletes used to chew on lamb testicles in between races as some kind of performance enhancer. I guess maybe it's a mass protein source? Or maybe the taste is so bad it gives you a huge adrenaline rush? Who knows. But we braved the butcher's giggles and endeavoured to find out.
We peeled the balls, egg-washed them, covered them in flour, seasoned liberally and deep-fried them. Adam was the last to arrive, so we decided he'd be the one to try this out. Interestingly, if we didn't have the secret weapon of crippling peer pressure, this method of performance enhancement may never have been tested.
Racer #3: Alex
Performance Enhancer: Bodysuit
From Cathy Freeman to Phil Tufnell on Hole In The Wall, athletes have been wearing those S&M looking bodysuits for a while now. The science behind them suggests that they reduce air resistance, streamlining everything inwards in a skintight cling, rather than having your shorts and shirt flapping in the wind. And while nobody is going to do the 200m in harem pants any time soon, it's been described as a bit pointless by some. Still, they look cool, right?
Let's be honest, the moment Alex put it on, he looked like he had this race in the bag. Whether that's down to aerodynamics or if there's a bit of intimidation involved is trickier to test; but it's certainly daunting to have a racer displaying his penis to the competition. Ballsy move.
Racer #4: Ali
Performance Enhancer: Caffeine
Caffeine is a stimulant, and stimulants stimulate you. The science is simple. A lot of the weird ones like ephedrine are banned, and while there's no word on how much Red Bull you can swallow before a competition, the shit give you wings, so it's got to help. Ali filled himself with enough caffeine to wake the dead and wheeled his jittery body to the starting line.
Ali was a little pained by the two litres of Monster he drank in the ten minutes before the race. He started speaking in sentences that weren't sentences and saying words that weren't words. His stomach started cramping before the race and he kept saying that he didn't think he'd make it to work that night.
Racer #5: Oz
Performance Enhancer: Booze
Apparently those crazy Greeks also used to sip on brandy before races. It makes sense, sometimes when I'm drunk and running for a bus I feel like a sprinting genius; and Oz wasn't even going to have to avoid urban obstacles like curbs and taxis. Surely this would help?
Well, Oz is an athlete known for his larger-than-life personality and brash bravado. In this respect, the alcohol certainly didn't help him. He downed a bottle of Lambrini before putting the price tag on his face and being sick everywhere. Sailor Jerry got the taste out of his mouth.
Racer #6: Joseph
Performance Enhancer: NONE
Well, we need to find out how fast humans actually are, right? I mean there's no point in judging ourselves against the Jamaican sprint team. We need a control, an honest to goodness human. Joseph is a human, and he was to be the Matthew Pinsent to everybody else's Ben Johnson.
He was a little disappointed mind, because he expected at least some stimulants. Well sorry, but it's the clean life for you, Joe. Make your country proud.
BTW, making the country proud wasn't something Oz seemed too fussed about. He was rolling about like a drunk guy who's kind of putting it on near these kids. Their dad didn't look too hyped. We apologised a lot and dragged him away.
Alright, we get it, you had a drink. (Maybe he doesn't drink… awk).
But it's fine, because cameraderie is what the Olympics is all about. Years from now we'll be talking about this tender moment in the same hushed tones as the '68 Black Power salute or discussions pertaining to Colin Jackson's sexuality.
Anyway, with sportsmanship in mind, it was time to begin.
So it was a photo-finish.
Depressingly, two of our cheaters (the guy in the Team GB suit and the one who ate the lamb testicles) beat Joe, the honest, sober athlete. Caffeine was hopeless and kept changing lanes and, generally, was pretty confused by the whole event. Our drunk guy was really drunk. He vomited on the track just beyond the finish line. Our blade runner was off the pace by ten seconds or so over a hundred metres. He did look hilarious, though.
So there you have it. The final results.
Gold: Dressing like a condom.
Silver: Eating balls.
Bronze: Being a human.
Conclusive stuff, I think you'll agree: Ultimately, the only thing that can make a human faster than a human is testicles. Whether it's showing yours off or just eating someone else's, it doesn't matter. Just get some balls. It's the Olympic spirit.