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The A-Z of Chaos

March 8, 2012, 5:00am

In a world seemingly erupting with beautiful, unadulterated bedlam, you may find yourself lost in the fruit-fields of chaos. While it’s super fun to go out and unleash yourself on the town, whether it be wooing ladies at a swanky club or scraping yourself off the floor of a raucous frat party, before all that you need to slow down and be respectful to the art of chaos. Otherwise you may find yourself at 3am in a ditch, knee-deep in a mess of puke, drunk dialing your ex-girlfriend who isn’t answering. That’s why we’ve compiled a list from A-Z of some of the things we love (and hate) about the most unpredictable ancient element of all. Read this and you’ll understand Chaos, know what to avoid, what to embrace, and how to properly execute an ‘Elevator fart.’


Alligator pools

Pretty much the worst case scenario swimming environment, throw in some sharks with laser beams and you have yourself a nightmare.

Runners-up: Albert Einstein’s hair

Bath Houses

Bathhouses are totally cool because they’re the perfect example of combining the health benefits of a sauna with random groping, and squooshing noises.

Runners-up: Barf, Bride Snatching, and Banks.

Chat Rooms

Sky’s the limit in terms of who you talk to and what you talk about when you enter these virtual psych wards. Strangers like CoolMark69 or NYGirl2006 will spark discussions about politics that sporadically devolve into sharing ding-dong pictures at the drop of a hat. Chat rooms are especially attractive to creepazoids because of the anonymity factor.

Runner-up: Cave diving

Drunk dialing

Does it ever work out?

Runners-up: Demolition Derbies, Demon Possession, and Dreadlocks

Elevator Farts

Farts have a mind of their own and trying to control them by clenching up your caboose only makes them more furious when they inevitably find their way out. However this is double trouble if you hit that tipping point in a crowded elevator. Best advice would be to surrender to the almighty power and unleash the beast. Then immediately look at your buddy or colleague; wrinkle your nose up in disgust and go, “Oh come on. Really?!“

Runners-up: Economics and that drinking game Edward 40 Hands

Frat Party


Frat boys and sorority sisters can throw a damn impressive party, and anyone who isn’t willing to admit that probably just isn’t ready to fill the black hole in their chest that developed because they never got to attend one in college. Things to find include: body shots, stripping, red solo cups, washroom line ups, a nerd doing a keg stand, a nerd puking in a corner, grinding, lasers, sweat stains, initiations, togas, Greek letters, bouncers, golf shirts, frat minions huddled around a cash box, cops, fights, random acts of love, and shit tons of heavy petting.

Runners-up: Facebooking

Global Meltdown

See “Ready For Anything” (coming soon!)

Runners-up: Gangrene


They are the terrorists of the human body.

Runners-up: Herpes and Hamburger meat

Identical Twins

These can be the most untrustworthy people on earth. They perpetually trade places and do each other’s bidding like taking tests or running races, they develop their own secret deviant language to exclusively communicate, and their whole lives are like an animated movie except that part when they sleep with the same girl at the same time.

Runners-up: Icebergs


While most people have never actually seen this go down for real (as in were alive back then to watch William the Lion heart or whatever) we can imagine it’s basically like those lame knight reenactments, except with a lot of blood and severed limbs.

Runner-up: everybody named Jerry (think about it)


Kamikaze Anything

Put Kamikaze in front of anything and it immediately becomes the biggest wild card ever.

Runners-up: Karaoke and King Kong


This demon lives in a giant molten hole in the ground, is best friends with every horrible person ever, and basically roams the earth starting trouble for no apparent reason. According to conservatives, he also could be the guy that invented playing the skin flute and porno, so on second thought he may not be such a bad dude.

Runners-up: Larping (Live-Action-Role-Playing) and Lice

Mail-order Brides

This is literally the Russian Roulette of spouses. You could be stuck with a hot tennis player or some babushka that still thinks cameras can steal your soul.

Runners-up: Masturbation and Mobile homes in tornado storms

Nude Beach

Nude beaches double as middle-aged-penis conventions where every participant is sexually frustrated. But seriously, nude beaches are filled with every type of person you wouldn’t want to see naked stomping around in the sand with their saggy extensions flailing mindlessly in the wind.

Runners-up: Nachos, ‘nam, and Neverland

Oral cavities

You brush and floss every night and then randomly one of these things pops in to say hi forcing you to be needled in the mouth by a dentist, then have steel grafted to your teeth. You also get to leave work mid-afternoon, so it’s not totally the worst.

Runner-up: Orangutan attacks


Pubic Hair Maintenance

See “Tame the Mane”

Runners-up: Pimple Poppin’ and Paparazzi

Quests for Treasure

You know when you find an old pirate treasure map on the back of an old painting in your attic? And you gather a rag-tag group of your friends to find the lost treasure only to discover at the very end that you lost the treasure you’d been questing so hard for? But then, you’re not that bummed out because you realize that the whole thing was really about strengthening the bonds of friendship anyways? How chaotic is that?

Runners-up: Quantum Mechanics (what the hell is it?)


It’s the reason we all fear wild animals and hippies.

Runner-up: ‘Roids


See Club animal kingdom (coming soon!)

Runners-up: Stock Market

Table tipping

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned table tip to instantly change the game and take a civil disagreement into “ho-lee-crap things are about to get real in here” territory.

Runners-up: Temper Tantrums

University Dorms

Pack a bunch of hormone crazy 18-year olds who are living away from home for the first time and you know the rest.

Runner-up: Ugly Stalkers


Nothing is more chaotic than your mouth becoming a spontaneous barf cannon with the safety off ready to douse anyone and anything in its path with vibrant chunks of matter.

Runners-up: Varicose Veins

Wet T-shirt Contest

When a hundred girls, and two hundred nipples, compete in front of you for the prestigious title of ‘Miss Moistest Bosom,’ you’ve just gone to the tenth circle of Bro-heaven.


Runner-up: Wall street


Everyone has that one crazy ex. And when they’re crazy, they cause nothing but havoc. Like driving over that cat you had together, and walking behind you at a bar only to sucker punch every girl that smiles at you. But even when eX’s aren’t crazy they still randomly appear at all of your favorite bars looking super-hot and destroying your buzz.

Runners-up: X-Ray guns and xylophone solos

Youth Hostels

Ever been to one of these things? If you’re lucky you can get a place that’s organized and relatively clean, but 99% of the time you’ll probably get warts from the shower, encounter Americans who take poetry too seriously, and you’ll definitely dry your face with a towel that ends up being some guy’s underpants.

Runners-up: Yodeling.

Zebra Stampedes

Just imagine a thousand of these horse-things trampling towards you.

Runners-up: Zombie Apocalypse.

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