Nice Baby Penis, Guys: This Is What Went Through Our Minds Watching Die Antwoord at Roskilde

Photography by Victor Knötzel

Last night, Die Antwoord played the Orange Stage at Roskilde Festival. However, they didn’t really play so much as destroy it: it was easily the most mental show we’d seen all week, and maybe… ever? To paint you a portrait of just how insane their show was, we thought it made the most sense to run you through a few of the (admittedly not-sober-AT-ALL) thoughts that went through our heads during the concert.

• Per Vers shouldn’t be allowed to use Aqua analogies when introducing bands.
• The Apocalypse must be nigh, because this is definitely the soundtrack to which the Four Horsemen will descend from the fiery skies.
• The DJ must be part-human, part-cannibal-robot-creature, because it is NOT humanly possible for somebody to bob their head and flap their arms that aggressively for an hour without losing their mind.
• What a lovely flurry of ejaculating baby penises.

• There are no sober people left at this entire festival, and it’s only Thursday. Also, everyone smoking weed must be having the worst time ever.
• For a band that wants to seem like they don’t give a single fuck, they sure do have a lot of wardrobe changes.
• Oh yeah, guess there is a full moon tonight. Didn’t think of that.
• How often do those guys cut their hair? Seems like those hairstyles need a lot of upkeep.
• Is this racist? …or sexist? The DJ has fake buck teeth. There’s a lot of twerking by well-endowed ladies. So maybe it is, but… ? CONFUSED.
• Wow, shitty EDM is actually really fun. Fuck, are we going over to the dark side?!
• Why are animal costumes a thing at this festival?!? Even Yo-Landi’s wearing one. Why?!?
• I can’t believe those guys are parents.
• I wonder if Ninja has ever eaten another human being. Wouldn’t surprise me. Also, nice ass.
• YES! I AM ALSO A PITBULL!

• I can’t tell if Yo-Landi or Ninja would be scarier to fuck. Would be open to trying both to find out.
• Ninja makes Russian prison tattoos seem like a great idea.
• I wonder if Yo-Landi or Ninja ever tone it down and just wear a pair of sweatpants all day. Or if they ever just go for brunch. Like, Yo-Landi gets a mimosa and Ninja really prefers his eggs over easy. Yo-Landi and Ninja DOING BRUNCH.
• I think the guy next to me cut his hair specifically for this concert. Hope they notice you, brah.
• Does anyone actually know their music in this crowd? ‘Cause relentlessly yelling ‘YEEEEEEEEEAH’ into the night is what people who just want to party do, not actual fans.
• This concert makes me feel old. Either that, or the one hour I spent watching managed to age me drastically.
• Not sure if pissed off, turned on, or both.
• Watching this makes me feel like MDMA dispensing machines should be a thing at festivals.
• This will be used to torture unlawful combatants at Guantanamo forever.
• Thank God it’s over.