Presidential Candidate Rick Perry Has a Country Rap Song, and It Sucks

Photo via Fox News on Twitter

Remember Rick Perry? Of course you do! He's the former governor of Texas who was briefly the Republican frontrunner in the 2012 presidential primaries, the guy who made that ridiculous ad about how you don't have to be Christian (although don't worry he is) to know that gay people serving in the military is Bad. His campaign crashed and burned after debates revealed to anyone who was in doubt that he was dumber than a bag of hammers, but he's kept busy by staying under indictment from his time as governor (still is, in fact).

Anyway, he's back, baby! And running for president! Which would be news worth totally ignoring had the presidential announcement not come along with the slapper of the summer, a country-rap hybrid that, as its title is not yet public knowledge, I will call "Rick Perry Supporter." I'm choosing this title because the song starts with the lyrics "Rick Perry supporter / Let’s protect our border," getting immediately to the issues. Other issues addressed include: Don't Take My Guns, I Hate Taxes, and "USA."

The song played in the background as Perry took the stage for his announcement, and several keen observers quickly picked up on it on Twitter. Fortunately for us, Buzzfeed News captured the video from C-Span 3 (once again, if you're wondering how important this news would be otherwise, consider it didn't even break on C-Span or C-Span 2):

Your browser does not support the video tag.

Here are the lyrics, in their entirety:

[Rap]
Rick Perry supporter
Let’s protect our border
To heck with anyone who don't believe in the USA
Rick Perry all the way.

[Country]
I won’t back up
I don’t back down
I been raised up
To stand my ground
Take my job
But not my gun
Tax my check 'til I ain't got none
Except for the good lord up above
I ain't answer to no one

[Guitar solo]

[Rap]
Give me my right to vote
My right to tote
The weapon of my choice
Don’t censor my voice
Hate me if you want
Or love me if you can
If the truth is what you want
Then you've found your man

Continued below…

Since Republican candidates have a history of musicians asking them not to use their music at rallies, it makes sense that Perry would commission a song that covers the key issues in addition to being a real pump-up jam. While it's hard to imagine there's a single Rick Perry supporter who would be equally gung-ho about an actual rapper rapping about his guns, it's not hard to imagine there are many Rick Perry supporters who would enjoy nothing more than blasting the ever-living fuck out of a song with a chorus like "Take my job / But not my gun / Tax my check 'til I ain't got none / Except for the good lord up above / I ain't answer to no one."

Nothing gets me ready for the Big Game—the game of taking away abortion rights, the game of executing people, etc.—like some truly terrible rap rock. I wish, as a pundit, I could say this put the election in the bag for Perry, but, unfortunately for him, he's not the only Republican candidate with a terrible rap song about why he should be elected. A bunch of Ted Cruz fans also made a rap song, which means that this election will be decided in the club, possibly in the form of the most awkward rap battle of all time. Who's got bars? The GOP's got bars! (Privatized prison bars LOL).

Will this song propel Rick Perry to victory? Will it win him a Grammy? Who even is the producer on this fire track? These questions remain unresolved, but one thing is definitely resolved: If the truth is what you want, then you've found your man. The truth, of course, is that this song sucks.

Kyle Kramer is voting for Pitbull. Follow him on Twitter.