Why Double Albums Spell Danger

The way artists now emerge from a sabbatical, post–The Next Day, is to appear spontaneously and magically on the internet; waving “coo-ee, over 'ere!” with no real build up. Suddenly the video is right before your eyes, like the left hook you weren't expecting in a drunken set-to with a hobo. Arctic Monkeys did it with “Do I Wanna Know?”, Kanye dropped his album early, and now Arcade Fire are the latest musicians to startle fans with an abrupt choreographed re-materialisation.

When David Bowie did it back in January it was spectacular, like pretty much everything David Bowie does. But now it's as quotidian as doing your make-up or rummaging in your undercrackers for spare change, so Win and his winsome warriors have pulled various tricks out of the bag to make sure they've got your full attention. Like, for the Win.

They started by spelling “Reflektor” incorrectly, and then they made TWO videos for the song, including one by spooky promo go-to man Anton Corbijn. They've got James Murphy on board, and, most importantly of all, the song itself (the title track off their forthcoming album) is really good. It's an oft-repeated schoolboy error, forgetting that detail. And, to top it all off, the backing vocal is performed by none other than David Bowie

So all bases covered, then. Or are they? For amongst all this excitement, one detail has slipped out that's been causing unnecessary perspiration and sleepless nights. Reflektor, it was announced, is to be a double album. And while true fans of the band might be peeing themselves at the prospect, they've clearly not thought it through properly.

The double album is the refuge of the bighead; a hubristic undertaking by artists so self-indulgent that they've lost touch with reality, and so precious that they refuse to whittle down their own divine outpourings. In nearly all cases the double is as counter-intuitive as being fed cream buns on an exercise bike. Exhibit one: I give you Neon Bible, which was just rather shit. And then there was third album The Suburbs, an unjustly venerated Bruce Springsteen tribute with zero good tunes.

Janelle Monae is also bringing out a double, and while initial reviews suggest that it's good, one has a right to be sceptical. If either artist had an unimpeachable track record, and didn't have a career already littered with half-baked filler (next to some admittedly profoundly great music), then it might be acceptable to placate their belief in their own infallible genius. But as it is, they should be sat down and sternly forced to downsize, so that the rest of us don't have to suffer their flatulent indulgences. With a big stick if required.

I mean, let's try and think of some great double albums. Miles Davis' Bitches Brew is pretty good, but jazz is meant to go on forever until your ears bleed. OutKast's Speakerboxxx/ The Love Below is almost entirely without filler, but only because Bigboy and Andre 3000 recorded their albums separately from each other, making it TWO albums.

Exhibits two through to eleven: The Cure – Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me. Great band, but surely even Robert Smith can't stand the sound of his voice after an hour. Kate Bush, Aerial – a bit boring, whichever way you look at it. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by Smashing Pumpkins; whoever gave narcissistic megalomaniac Billy Corgan as much time as he wanted to spew forth his deluded ramblings on life deserves stabbing.

Then there's Fleetwood Mac's Tusk, now a byword for cocaine. Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Welcome to the Pleasuredome; four decent songs, but the rest is just Trevor Horn fucking about. The Blueprint 2, by Jay Z: like The Blueprint, but shit. Pink Floyd – The Wall; pull your head up out of your arse Roger Waters, and anything that features a film including Bob Geldof with no eyebrows should be cast into the burning fires of hell.

Want me to go on? (I know the answer is no, but who the fuck asked you anyway). Anything by The Who, or Neil Young, or Frank Zappa, The White Album? Pretty darned great, actually, but you know the artists have too much time on their hands when Paul McCartney is writing love songs to his dog. You could easily shave half an hour off The Beatles’ eponymous masterpiece without as much as a bye or leave. Why not try for yourself?

Essentially, the double is invariably a vanity project, and a slap in the face to fans who have to fork out nearly £40 for two slices of vinyl that could almost certainly have been compressed into one robust package for half the price. There are so many more double albums that could be added to the list, but we would have been here all day. But if you disagree, then feel free to post examples of perfect, flab- free doubles in the comments section below.

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