Baz Luhrmann is the latest in a series of culture fuckers to come along and rape the classics having set his bloated bombastic sights on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s seminal novel The Great Gatsby.Not familair with Luhrmann? Sure you are. He’s the guy who’s most recent film Australia was hailed by many who saw it as “sort of racist.”He also graced us with a 90s-era retelling of William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet which featured neon everything, automatic weapons, and best of all, Hawaiian shirt littered gang wars. The pistols were called daggers and the machine guns were called broad swords! Far out, man.Yes, this is the same chucklehead who brought you the pop music charged panic attack Moulin Rouge, that no doubt robbed you of any belief in love beyond a cursory exploitative plot device and/or clever branding.Now he’s back to show you plebeians that Gatsby likes to party. In 3D.Thats right baby, 3D. Based on what I can only assume is the successful viral campaign of the recently released 8-bit Great Gatsby (read: a renewed interest in the Gatsby brand and associated Fitzgerald-related properties), Hollywood has decided to get all modern on that ass and ink some bullshit deal with Luhrmann to turn a beloved classic into a swirling shitmess of 3D and Oscar bait.I don’t know about you, but I for one know I need to see East and West Egg in 3D. Can you imagine? No you can’t. Which is why Luhrmann has got your dumb ass in mind. So put on those glasses. Forget what Walter Murch said.Jesus. Imagine a roadster speeding toward you; dead Myrtle splattered all over the third dimension; lavish parties that seem to sweep you up; murder suicides.Thank you Warner Brothers and Baz Luhrmann for bringing what was once a mere absurd pipe dream in the darkest depths of hell to a glorious cinematic reality. If the world doesn’t explode next year, then surely it will when Gatsby 3D hits cinemas in 2013.
Advertisement