David Guetta, EURO 2016, and the Shitty Brilliance of Football Themed Dance Anthems

France's EURO 2016 is barely a year away, and while the tournament will always be the World Cup's boring nerdy sibling, it still provides us with a month where all other news is irrelevant as we immerse ourselves in watching England's national team fudge their way to an early exit and their next string of Gillette adverts.

In an exciting development, however, UEFA just turned the party up a notch. Galic demi-god, and original wiggy mess, David Guetta has been selected to compose the theme for the competition, curate the stadium music, and play the opening ceremony at Stade de France. All told, EURO 2016 looks set to contain more big-budget build-ups and pay-offs than Sepp Blatter's election campaign.

In his statement, Guetta excitedly said, "Music and football go hand in hand when it comes to celebration and enjoyment and I want to help to make this EURO the biggest and most memorable yet. We want the fans to be at the very heart of everything that we do." The idea that music and football go hand in hand is completely true, if you are also prepared to accept that trampolines and crystal meth also go hand in hand. The results of football's forays into dance music have been responsible for some of the most ludicrous, grotesque, crass, and completely brilliant, productions ever made.

This phenomena is best crystalised on one abhorrent/magnificent compilation: Euro Football Party Dance Anthems (Ultimate Edition). Despite having more words in its title than a Pirates of the Caribbean sequel, the collection is full of cheap thrills. Featuring major names like Da Poor Boys, The Wembley Legends, and Partynation, this is an explosion of music so gimmicky it practically escapes definition. Barely knowing whether it is trance, power-rock, or big band brass, the over-arching genre show-cased is probably best defined, simply, as 'balls'. To experience the joy for yourself, here is a breakdown of the most brazenly bollocks football dance anthems that are featured, just to get you excited for next summer. Back of net.

"Ole Ole Ole" - David Navarro

What better place to start than the iconic Spanish-turned-drunk-English warbling of "ole, ole, ole". I bet every time you hear a group of well-oiled football fans spilling out of a Wetherspoon's chanting, you think to yourself, "it's nice, but it's not quite transcendental enough". Step in David Navarro, who takes it from slur to PLUR. It sounds like John Smiths laced with MDMA.

"Eye of the Tiger" - Wildfire ft. Slash

This is definitely a pre-match anthem. This is the build-up. This track sounds like the guy at your sixth form who smoked Benson and Hedges and had a polyester 'going out shirt' with Maori prints on it and picture of a dragon on the back. It sounds like a party where everyone is talking about motorbikes in the smoking area. It sounds like a straight to DVD movie called Street Walker: Satan's Witness.

"Latin Revenge (Cash Hunters Edit) - Da Poor Boys

Nothing says European football tournament like Latin-America. Presumably in an attempt to keep the pristine boys club of the UEFA champions on their toes, the compilation features a dirty sizzler fully of Copacabana rhythms and spitting, spinning bass. Interesting bit of trivia about this track: it's the worst things I've heard since Peter Kay's All-Star Animated Band were at number one.

"Chariots of Fire" - The Flame

Remember when Mr Bean played the Chariots of Fire theme at the Olympics, and we were all so giddy that we laughed our silly, collective, nationalistic, proud heads off. Yeah, well forget that. That incarnation of the tune is now but a whimsical parody fit only for fans of Outnumbered and people who genuinely find Comic Relief funny. This version of the iconic score doesn't remind me of running. It reminds me of running through space wearing a flaming cape. It is the sound of the Torres slotting his winning goal against Jens Lehmann. As Youtube commentor 'The Nectar Physalis' so eloquently says: "This is the best music to play while doing your homework."

"You'll Never Walk Alone (Three Lions Mix) - Wembley Legends

I'm not sure what this is doing on a compilation of dance anthems seeing as it sounds like 'Status Quo week' on the X-Factor. Oh well, balearic? This is definitely England's slice of the pie as far as the tracklist goes, and it really does get your red and white blood cells running hot. It's probably what Steven Gerrard will be playing in his car when he inevitably goes mad and embarks on a drive-by killing spree around Anfield in approximately four years time.

"Carnival De Paris" - Dario G

And lo, the football dance anthem became the only place you could find Latin-American break-beats, whistles, and bagpipes. I couldn't find the Furtado mix of this, as advertised on Euro Football Party Dance Anthems (Ultimate Edition), so you will have to imagine a four to floor beat underneath this version.

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