What Happened to Draymond Green?

Draymond Green had himself a moment last night.
May 4, 2016, 3:08pm

Sitting alongside Festus Ezeli for a post-game press conference following their Game 2 win over the Portland Trailblazers, Golden State everyman Draymond Green had a moment. What kind of moment is hard to say, but it was more than a contemplative moment. There was something in Draymond that made him pause. Emotionally. Physically. Facially. As Ezeli recounts the hardships of his year, Draymond gets to thinking, and it's clear whatever he was thinking was not comfortable. But what was it?

A speculative list:

  • Draymond just got what "May the 4th be with you" meant 20 minutes after a fan yelled it to him on his way off the court and he realized how much he hates wordplay.
  • He said "Festus" over and over in his head until it lost all meaning.
  • "What kind of name is Festus, anyway?" he thought. Then he considered "Draymond."
  • He began to wonder how his life got to this moment. Growing up a young nobody in Torrance to by chance become a huge porn star at the top of the world only to find himself washed up and strung out, running a scam drug deal with a maniac in a robe while Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" played in the background.
  • Draymond is imagining the horrors he is capable of if someone ever asks him about Riley Curry again. Not that he endorses violence, or that he wishes to harm anyone, but some things are uncontrollable, like the violence elicited by "How cute is Riley?" questions. He doesn't want to flip the table and grab the reporter by the throat; he's just hoping it doesn't come to that.
  • The coffee he just had worked itself through his digestive system much quicker than he anticipated.
  • Draymond was thinking about new assistant coaches to replace Luke Walton and then… "Assistant Coach, Kobe Bryant."
  • Ever since he saw it earlier that morning, Draymond Green has been haunted by Radiohead's new video for "Burn the Witch." He doesn't know when it will strike, but when triggered, he can't help but bug out a little about the weird and Weeble-like claymation people.
  • Draymond is wondering what other kind of extinct animals might have had their DNA preserved in amber-encased mosquitos and what might happen if he ever got himself a saber-toothed tiger.
  • When are we going to figure out teleportation? If I could teleport, I could leave this press conference right now and be anywhere in the world I wanted. Rome. Banff National Park. Rio de Janeir—not Rio, not Rio, uh, Cleveland, I guess?
  • He's trying really hard to think of a team capable of beating the Warriors.