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THUMP’s Bro Guide to Getting Laid at Festivals

Because an event is only as good as the girls you take home.
May 27, 2014, 6:45pm

Festival season is in full swing and if the event previews are to be believed, so are EDC, TomorrowLand, Electric Zoo, and all the other clones are the pinnacles of EDM culture. The reality of the situation is this: festivals primarily consist of bros, and they go there to see tits, listen to Avicii, and get laid.

If that's you, then GOOD NEWS. Because boy, have we got the tool for you. Sit down, buckle up, and prepare to soak up THUMP's Bro Guide to Getting Laid at Festivals.

Picking the right festival is like choosing the best bar to pick up chicks at. If you're a bro dude looking for bro girls then right off the bat you can cross out the following:

a.     Decibel Festival (more like Hipsterbel Festival, am I right?)

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b.     Lightning In A Bottle (more like Hipsters In A Bottle, am I right?)

c.      Movement (more like… damn, no wordplay here)

d.     Ill Points (more like Ill Hipsters, BOOYAH)

Simply put, every dollar spent on transportation is a dollar that can't be spent on tequila shots or condoms, and you're going to need a lot of both (fuck yeah).

Accommodation and mind-altering substances are the only areas where every dollar spent is worth its weight in Emily Ratajkowski's Instagram. Sharing a room or (God forbid) a tent is a total cock-block.

Anyone that doesn't wear a neon tank top, graphic tee (remember to bring spare of the F.B.I. one), cargo shorts, and flip-flops is a total hipster. Chicks don't go for wussies like that and besides, that second cycle of steroids refuses to be hidden by a crewneck sweater or robe tee.

You only came here to see Alesso, so it doesn't really matter whose sets you miss. To quote a recent Coachella attendee we overheard in a club this weekend, "We only went to Ellie Goulding for the chicks. I've never actually listened to her." Nobody can call you gay for going to see Zedd so long as you do it for the chicks.

It used to be that if you wanted to see a trendy act AND get laid, you were limited to  Diplo, Dillon Francis and Calvin Harris circa 2010. Luckily, we can also recommend both The Chainsmokers and What So Not new this year.

If your mini-fridges or backpacks don't contain a majority of the following, you will NOT get laid:

a.     The Champagne of Beers

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b.     Vodka (for the tons of chicks you're going to have over)

c.      Margarita mix (see above)

d.     Tequila (as many 40oz' as you can carry)

e.     MDMA (estimate how many caps you could physically do over a weekend and then double it)

f.      Cocaine (same rule as above, but triple for the girls)

g.     Trojan Magnums (because Avicii condoms are too tight)

h.     Emergency neon sunglasses

At the end of the day, we're all animals. Forget pickup lines or trendy hats, girls respond best when you come out of nowhere, flexing your biceps, and grinding up on them. Trust us. After you've flailed your flesh-popsicle at her for a few minutes, let her know how much tequila, coke, MDMA, etc you have back at your hotel or AirBNB and she'll be powerless to resist.

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