It's tempting to say that Rob Gronkowski, America's Most Shirtless Football Player, deserves to party after his contributions to the Patriots' win in Super Bowl XLIX. Tempting, and correct, but also incomplete: Rob Gronkowski deserves to party in the same way that condors deserve to soar over the Grand Canyon or lions deserve to stalk the savanna or Nancy Grace deserves to be extremely angry—it is more of a birthright, a fulfillment of earthly purpose, than it is a thing deserved or undeserved. When he parties, which he is almost certainly doing as you read this, Gronk is simply doing what the good lord put him on earth to do.
What he will do over the next few months, and has done in the hours since the end of Super Bowl XLIX, will not change the way that we think about Large Format Public Partying. Gronkowski is not about to change the rules of how big, goofy famous people party. But he will find the outermost boundaries on every side, and then he will pour tequila until it is sloshing up against those boundaries, and then he will float around on the tequila lake he has created, bobbing around on a pool raft, wearing comically oversized sunglasses and surrounded by like a dozen jarringly tan women, all of whom will be named Kaycii. This is not a metaphor. This will literally happen.
It has not happened yet, though: Gronk's long summer has just begun. Your challenge, below, is to separate the headlines that Gronkowski has already made from the ones that he has not yet made. The answers are below, although they will of course change in the months ahead, as Gronkowski works on making them all true.
1) There's A Gronk Party Bus And It's Being Driven By Someone Named Goon
2) Defiant Gronkowski To Critics: 'Yo Soy Tequila'
3) Rob Gronkowski Epic Dance Battle… With Robert Kraft!!!
4) Super Bowl Champion Rob Gronkowski Rips His Trousers At Wild Party With Bevy Of Blondes
5) Gronkowski Family Party Bus Stuck In Carl's Jr. Drive-Thru
6) WATCH: Rob Gronkowski Spikes Bouquet Of Roses
7) Gronk: 'Holy Shit…I Just Set Kid Rock On Fire' (Video)
8) 'Silly String And Patron Everywhere': Patriots Gronkowski, Musicians Tegan and Sara Kicked Out Of Miami Nightclub
9) Rob Gronkowski Parties On Stage With Flo Rida After Super Bowl (Video)
10) Rob Gronkowski: 'More Chicks' During Shirtless Selfie
11) Patriots' Gronkowski: 'I'm Not Putting On A Shirt Until At Least April'
12) Rob Gronkowski Partying Smarter This Year
13) Rob Gronkowski Finally Runs Out Of Energy, Sleeps On Airport Floor (Photo)
14) Pats' Gronkowski On Dance Battle: 'I Apologize To Kraft Family For 'Regrettable' Krumping'
15) Gronkowski Speaks Out On Kid Rock Incident: 'A Totally Hilarious Misunderstanding'
Answers under this Vine of Gronk dancing after the AFC Championship Game:
Almost Certainly Will Be But Not Yet Actual Headlines: 2, 5, 7, 8, 11, 14, 15