AGE OF THE DRAGONS
Metrodome - On DVD from MondaySometimes I just get suckered in by the promise of car-crash cinema. And Age Of The Dragons promised a fucking pile-up: Moby-Dick, but with a dragon instead of a whale, and Danny Glover, and Vinnie Jones. I expected, in the very least, a catastrophic mess of entertaining proportions. I don't subscribe to the 'so bad it's good' philosophy - shit is just shit. But endeavours like this, where people adapt lofty, celebrated novels into tawdry b-movies, appeal to the voyeuristic side of me that marvels at horrendously misplaced ambition.Alas, ambition is a strong word to be used in connection with Age Of The Dragons. There is no entertainment on offer here, despite the fact that the director has actually said, with a straight face, that the film is "way more exciting" than its source material. Vinnie Jones is far from the worst thing in it, in an actually not all that terrible supporting performance that's overshadowed by the unquestionable ineptitude of everyone and everything else on screen, perhaps barring Danny Glover, who hams it up so much it's hard to tell if he's doing exactly what he should be doing or if he's just desperately trying to keep himself amused because he knows he's in a potentially career-killing film. In an interview with a local paper while it was being shot in Utah, he told the journalist that when he was sent the script, "My first real reaction was, 'Somebody gave me a job.'" Thanks Danny. Thanks everybody. Well done.
3
HERMAN SMELVILLEUNSTOPPABLE
20th Century Fox - On DVD from March 28thMy dad OBSESSED with trains. So much so that every single holiday I went on as a kid would have some kind of train-spotting agenda. Even the years when my mum would take charge of the holiday because she was "sick to fucking death of looking at trains" we'd get to the caravan park, see steam coming over the horizon and my dad would be all "Oh yeah, the Ffestiniog line does run near here!".This movie is "based on a true story" meaning that something totally uninteresting happened with a train, and these guys threw in a bunch of explosions and helicopters and near misses with trains full of kids. Which is kinda like saying The Matrix is based on a true story because it features a scene where somebody talks on a mobile phone. Anyway, I called my dad up and described the plot of this film to him, expecting him to scoff and rant about Hollywood's misrepresentation of trains (something which he rants about quite a lot), but apparently everything in here totally could happen. I guess that means the most implausible thing here is the fact that Denzel Washington got paid 20 fucking million fucking dollars to star in it.
5
THE FAT CONTROLLERMACHETE
Sony Pictures - On DVD from March 28th Despite sometimes getting the feeling that the sole purpose of Robert Rodriguez's career is to prove he's got a bigger VHS collection than Tarantino, he makes undeniably good films. Machete (the realisation of his fake Grindhouse trailer), is the latest in his "really violent cool shit happening in Mexico and Texas" series - the sort of movies that make you want to go down to Loco Mojito on Brick Lane and start mutilating locals with broken Desperados bottles (even more so than usual). Machete provides Danny Trejo with his first lead role ever, as the film's eponymous hero. If you're not au fait with Trejo's back story or 200 strong filmography, let me save you a trip to IMDB: Starting out as a criminal pre-teen drug addict and ending up as a Hollywood legend, Trejo's career's played out a lot like Macaulay Culkin's in reverse. After years in and out of prison, he eventually got his big break at a Cocaine Anonymous meeting (Vice staff take note) before graciously accepting the role of every Hispanic vigilante/criminal/ psycho/gardener ever . Machete is a fauxploitation of the highest order, and gets 9/10 for the 'intestine scene' alone. I won't ruin it, but trust me, even the grim promise of seeing Lindsay Lohan's translucent breasts (0:55:25 and 1:20:06 if you're in a hurry) won't stop you watching after that.
9
LINDSAY "BLANCA" LOCO
Metrodome - On DVD from MondaySometimes I just get suckered in by the promise of car-crash cinema. And Age Of The Dragons promised a fucking pile-up: Moby-Dick, but with a dragon instead of a whale, and Danny Glover, and Vinnie Jones. I expected, in the very least, a catastrophic mess of entertaining proportions. I don't subscribe to the 'so bad it's good' philosophy - shit is just shit. But endeavours like this, where people adapt lofty, celebrated novels into tawdry b-movies, appeal to the voyeuristic side of me that marvels at horrendously misplaced ambition.
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3
HERMAN SMELVILLEUNSTOPPABLE
20th Century Fox - On DVD from March 28thMy dad OBSESSED with trains. So much so that every single holiday I went on as a kid would have some kind of train-spotting agenda. Even the years when my mum would take charge of the holiday because she was "sick to fucking death of looking at trains" we'd get to the caravan park, see steam coming over the horizon and my dad would be all "Oh yeah, the Ffestiniog line does run near here!".This movie is "based on a true story" meaning that something totally uninteresting happened with a train, and these guys threw in a bunch of explosions and helicopters and near misses with trains full of kids. Which is kinda like saying The Matrix is based on a true story because it features a scene where somebody talks on a mobile phone. Anyway, I called my dad up and described the plot of this film to him, expecting him to scoff and rant about Hollywood's misrepresentation of trains (something which he rants about quite a lot), but apparently everything in here totally could happen. I guess that means the most implausible thing here is the fact that Denzel Washington got paid 20 fucking million fucking dollars to star in it.
5
THE FAT CONTROLLERMACHETE
Sony Pictures - On DVD from March 28th Despite sometimes getting the feeling that the sole purpose of Robert Rodriguez's career is to prove he's got a bigger VHS collection than Tarantino, he makes undeniably good films. Machete (the realisation of his fake Grindhouse trailer), is the latest in his "really violent cool shit happening in Mexico and Texas" series - the sort of movies that make you want to go down to Loco Mojito on Brick Lane and start mutilating locals with broken Desperados bottles (even more so than usual). Machete provides Danny Trejo with his first lead role ever, as the film's eponymous hero. If you're not au fait with Trejo's back story or 200 strong filmography, let me save you a trip to IMDB: Starting out as a criminal pre-teen drug addict and ending up as a Hollywood legend, Trejo's career's played out a lot like Macaulay Culkin's in reverse. After years in and out of prison, he eventually got his big break at a Cocaine Anonymous meeting (Vice staff take note) before graciously accepting the role of every Hispanic vigilante/criminal/ psycho/gardener ever . Machete is a fauxploitation of the highest order, and gets 9/10 for the 'intestine scene' alone. I won't ruin it, but trust me, even the grim promise of seeing Lindsay Lohan's translucent breasts (0:55:25 and 1:20:06 if you're in a hurry) won't stop you watching after that.
9
LINDSAY "BLANCA" LOCO