The Rules of Dating, According to Gen Z Filipinos

There are a few seemingly perpetual problems that every generation of Filipinos has had to face: How do you eat milkfish without getting a fishbone stuck in your throat? Why is another underqualified prick running for public office and winning? And how on God’s dying earth are we supposed to date? 

Now, it’s Gen Z’s turn to try and figure it out.

The generation that grew up with the internet, climate anxiety, and a global pandemic has been said to have more important things to worry about than dating. Yet date they do—and with the kind of sureness only afforded to the young, they have developed their own rules for doing so. 

VICE asked Filipino Gen Zs about their take on love, dating, and situationships. Here’s what they said.

This year, many Gen Zs are in their early- to mid-twenties. That’s a time stereotypically associated with fucking around and fucking up. On one hand, that could mean it’s a time of getting to know others through dates and relationships. But it’s also a time of self-discovery and growth. For some, the latter is more of a priority.  

“I don’t find dating as an important aspect in life,” Ezra Mane Capistrano, 21, told VICE. “I learned from those who are older than me that my 20s are supposed to be the time wherein I establish myself and get to know myself better and I see that as a thing that is way more important than dating.”

Figuring out who you are is not easy against a backdrop of potential economic and environmental collapse. Gen Z is said to be “more pragmatic” about love and sex than other generations, choosing to take care of themselves first before getting lost in romance.

“I believe there are more important things in life such as your job or academics, family life, social life, finances, the crumbling state of our entire planet, and of course personal well-being. Honestly, I can't think of things less important than dating. The only reason I did not rate it a zero is because it would be nice to cuddle with someone at night,” said Deo Cabrera, 21. 

That’s not to say that Gen Zs don’t want relationships. It’s just a matter of getting into them at the right time. 

Wilbert Dela Cruz, 21, said that he sees himself living the rest of his life with a partner, even as he’s currently working on his personal goals. Amidst soaring inflation and cost of living, safeguarding one’s own comforts seems to be a sound prerequisite for dating. In a 2021 study on Filipino dating culture, Bumble found that “level of financial ability” is the third most important thing people look for in a date or partner. For Dela Cruz, figuring out how to be independent is one thing that gives way to good relationships.

“You should date [when you] want someone, not need someone,” said Dela Cruz. 

Some have found a way to balance the need to self-actualize with the desire to date. 

Nicolette Alberto, 23, said that casually dating around, as opposed to dating with the sole purpose of finding her next long-term relationship, allows her to learn other perspectives. Over the course of getting to know a person after one or a few dates, one can get a peek at lives and minds different from one’s own—not a bad way to spend time for a generation so focused on experimenting with different ways to be themselves. 

“It’s more of you just kind of dancing with these other experiences and seeing how that affects your life on a small scale,” said Alberto. “At that point, it’s less about adjusting yourself [to someone else, like you might in a committed relationship] and more about expanding your experiences.”

Young people are apparently lonelier than ever, which could drive some to look at their friend groups as dating pools. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like this generation has figured out how to make this any less tricky. 

Jievo Garcia, 22, pointed out that the classic pro is that dating a friend is easier because you already know each other, and the classic con is that it can come with risks and consequences that involve your whole friend group. 

Cabrera agreed and said that “dating friends is OK as long as they aren't within your immediate circle of friends, because that changes the entire group dynamic and opens up problems such as what if you break up, what happens when you fight, and a lot more that could lead to your friend group flopping.”

On the other hand, Capistrano said friendship is an essential foundation of dating.

“It’s actually really important for one to establish a friendship first before engaging in a relationship because in that way, you know the person from the surface and deeper. I would know since that’s how it went with my current relationship. We formed a friendship first before ending up where we are now—engaged,” Capistrano said. 

Having spent a good two or so years at home thanks to COVID, one might imagine today’s 20-somethings craving dates involving over-the-top unique experiences. That doesn’t seem to be the case. A recent survey by Tinder, for example, found that Filipino young adults prefer simple dates like grabbing coffee or simply walking around.

“Grand things aren’t necessary in order to have a good first date, as long as the other person is able to reciprocate the energy, that would make a great first date,” said Garcia.

The key to a good date, according to Dela Cruz, is effort. 

“All dates start out serious and we all start the night being so pressed on image and first impressions. For me, a good first date finds its way to see past that bullshit. When a serious dinner becomes fun and light, I think that’s a mark of a good date.”

The Gen Zs VICE spoke to said that there isn’t necessarily a time limit on how long people should be dating before they make things official, aka put a label on it. When that happens depends on the people and their situation. As Garcia put it, “When you know, you know.” 

They do, however, think it’s important to eventually do it. 

“Making things official or at least exclusive is important so you’re at least not wasting time,” said Cabrera, adding that dating someone takes “a lot of time, effort, and money,” so it’s best for people to clarify that they’re on the same page. 

Capistrano said that official relationships don’t have to be public relationships—sometimes because they can’t be, like in the case of LGBTQ people.

“There are some people who have to hide their relationships from the public, but that does not mean that you are unable to make it official between the two of you,” Capistrano said. 

There also isn’t only one way to be “official.” Alberto said people can be “officially official” or “officially unofficial” or however they want to DTR (that’s define the relationship, keep up).

One popular label is “situationship,” which people say has its upsides and downsides. This kind of relationship isn’t necessarily new, but Gen Z seems to have gotten comfortable with what it might represent—that not all dates have to be in the interest of getting married, and that you can occasionally enjoy someone’s company without being in a relationship with that person.

The same 2021 study by Bumble mentioned above found that while 53 percent of those surveyed were looking for committed relationships, only 12 percent were dating with the intention of getting married, and 18 percent were looking for casual or non-committal relationships. 

But it’s ultimately not the label itself that matters—it’s the understanding. 

“I don’t see any shame in any type of relationship, as long as there is open communication and trust. There are so many different forms and expressions of love and lust, so it doesn’t really matter whatever the label is as long as it’s agreed on by both,” said Alberto. 

There are of course no hard and fast rules to dating and relationships. Everybody’s going to do it their own way and likely figure out what exactly they like and don’t like as they go along. 

But Cabrera offered a good rule of thumb:

“If your entire world revolves around dating, that instantly turns me off. If you want to be a partner or someone to date, show people that you have aspirations you are working towards. No one wants to date someone who does not have goals in life.”

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