New World Water

I recently got an email about a new product hitting the Australian market: Hydrogen Water. “A refreshing twist to hydration with its unique blend of odourless, tasteless gas, it's not just a beverage; it's a lifestyle upgrade,” the press release read. 

The “health phenomenon” has allegedly been embraced by Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds and Zac Efron. At $44.99 for a 12-pack, how could they not? 

H2O “enriched with H2”? Perhaps.

A “powerful antioxidant which might be helpful with: major antioxidants”? (No joke, that is what it says on the ugly grey can verbatim.) Undoubtedly. Capitalism is amazing.

Whether it’s Hydrogen water, Liquid Death water, microenergy water, flavoured zero-sugar water or regular bottled water, Australians are obsessed with paying for water (and making sure it’s portable, in either a plastic bottle or a metal can.) But despite that, for whatever reason, we just can’t… drink it.

In 2023, “Watertok” flooded the internet. Heavy H2O drinkers found fame making glittering, multicoloured “water recipes” with flavoured sachets and sugar-free syrups that definitely taste like vape. Strawberry poundcake water, orange mermaid water, Mountain Dew water???

It all seemed like United States-generated nonsense. But, like everything, it has finally trickled down to Australia. And we’re buying it. 

Australia has the second-highest per capita consumption rate of ​​bottled water in the world, behind Singapore, and we, on average, spend about $386 a year each, according to a 2023 United Nations report.

Bottled water in Australia costs, on average, about $3 a litre. But our tap water, some of the tastiest and cleanest in the world, costs between 0.001 and 0.003 cents a litre, depending on which state you’re in. 

And so Big Water is winning. Our bottled water market is expected to grow 3.6 per cent by 2030 and reach about $2 billion annually. 

Yet we’re also still, somehow, chronically dehydrated – once dubbed “a nation of dehydration.” 

Why are we chumps?

Several surveys have tried to comprehend our thirst for throwing money at micro-plastic-laden beverages and concluded the principal reason was convenience. 

"We buy it when we're on the go, largely," a spokesperson for the Australian Beverages Council said.

This logic is backed up by the nose-dive bottled water sales took during COVID-19 lockdowns, when none of us had any place to be and could simply rest, hydrate, repeat. 

So, in the end, are we doomed to choke the planet with plastic, while handing all our money and precious resources to Coca-Cola on something we can otherwise get for free because we’re… too busy? Overworked and thirsty? Desperate to feel more alive, more organised, more autonomous over our health? 

We’re always chasing something, anything, to fill our big existential abyss and maybe the promise of super water, neatly packaged and comfortable in your hand, is salvation. 

Curious, I sampled this so-called Hydrogen water and it turned out to be, well… water. Tasteless, boring water. I also sampled vitamin-enhanced flavour cubes that slowly fizz in a glass of tap water like a bath bomb. The blackberry flavour tasted like a jar of pesto.

Did I feel any better? Actually yes, because after chugging about four glasses in an hour I was hydrated for once in my life. 

Maybe water really is a health phenomenon. Maybe drinking it is a lifestyle upgrade.

Aleksandra Bliszczyk is the Deputy Editor of VICE Australia. Follow her on Instagram.