This article originally appeared on VICE Canada. I am not a fan of chatting during intercourse. Making non-sex conversation is already difficult enough let alone trying to think of hot statements while also trying to reach orgasm. My first boyfriend liked to toss out horny words while we were doing naked stuff and I felt pressured to contribute to the convo. So, one day I mentioned that I could tell he was "excited" and then I referred to his erect penis as "The Excitement." He laughed hysterically in response. He thought I was kidding. I wasn't. And that is the day that my use of the term "The Excitement" ended and my comedy career began.
Other tragic stories involving sex talk include: a guy asking that I spit in his hand so that he could masturbate. That wasn't the bad part. The bad part was him being disappointed in the amount of saliva I provided and requesting that I give him a "BIG loogie." Yes, he used the word loogie. Like he was the coach of a minor league baseball team. Or there was that night I was making out with a man who I'd soon discover was a misogynist. After hearing that I was on my period, he raised his arms like he was under arrest and said, "I'm going to back away now." I proceeded to lecture him on why that was fucked up until he literally ran out of my apartment. Or how about that dude who answered "My ex-girlfriend" when I asked "What are you thinking about right now?" Yeah, that wasn't the greatest. I also hate when people repeat "Did you come yet?" every 30 seconds until my clitoris shrivels up and dies. NEVER ASK THAT, EVER. I was curious about what others have experienced in the realm of dirty talk, so I asked some hilariously honest comedians to share the worst (and best) things ever said to them while having sex. The good talk is sweet, but the bad talk is WAY better and so damn relatable.
VICE: What's the sexiest thing that someone has said to you while you were doing it with them? Courtney Gilmour: "Let's get you off." Nick Nemeroff: "Points!" Jen Sakato: "You were right."
Brandon Ash Mohammed: This is very graphic… but, "Fuck me like the little bitch I am!" Steph Tolev: When I'm giving a blowjob it's nice when a guy says, "This is one of the best I've ever had." Even if it's not true I like to think that I'm THAT good at it. Jordan Foisy: "Where do you want to cum?" Natalie Norman: My name! Screaming my name! Ashley Moffatt: "My boyfriend will be home in an hour." Jhanelle Dennis: "You're way hotter than Rihanna," but then he had to go ruin it by saying that he didn't think she was THAT hot. So he's obviously insane.
What's the least sexy thing someone has said to you?
Jordan Foisy: A real pedantic, "Oh honey."
Steph Tolev: I had sex with this really loud guy once who started counting his thrusts out loud and let me tell you, it was a true nightmare. Then he made me count along with him and I'm still not sure why I did it. I dried up real quick. I turned into an apricot in seconds down there.
Jhanelle Dennis: "Please just give Kid Rock a chance, his music is actually so good I swear to God." Jen Sakato: It's a tie between, "Jen, ever since we've started dating, I've been watching so much more Asian porn" and referring to his wang, "How about you and him get a little face time?" Ashley Moffatt: "This is my boyfriend."
Courtney Gilmour: I'm extremely picky so I'm happy to say that no one has said anything that I can recall as unsexy, however, I had a very funny moment once with someone who got distracted by the music playing in the background and said, "This sounds like the scene from The Lion King where Simba is being lifted up."
Natalie Norman: "I'm a fuccboi." I was like "Yeah don't worry buddy. I don't want to see you again either."
Nick Nemeroff: "It's official, they've canceled @midnight."
Brandon Ash Mohammed: "Wow, you taste just like chocolate!" There's tons of fetishization of black men in the gay community. When guys say stuff like that, it's so off-putting. Or when older men ask me weird questions about my father when we're in the sack. Y'all need to stop.
What's something you'd like to hear someone say during sex?
Courtney Gilmour: "Women are funny."
Jen Sakato: "After this, we're going for donuts."
Brandon Ash Mohammed: Nothing in particular! I just want to hear that they're having a good time!
Ashley Moffatt: "Hi Ashley. I'm very happy that we're having sex. You're so good at it. We're married!"
Jordan Foisy: A real supportive, "Oh honey."
Natalie Norman: How great I am. How beautiful I am. How amazing I am. I guess I truly am a narcissist?
Steph Tolev: I just want to know that they're having fun and enjoying it as much as I am. It's hard to find normal guys, especially in LA, who just say "Hey, this is really fucking great. We should do this a bunch more." That would be swell.
Jhanelle Dennis: "Wow, that was quick."
Nick Nemeroff: "Would you like to be the host of a new @midnight-style show?"
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