Summer Annoyances

All the People You’ll Meet in City Parks This Summer

Parks are concentrated spots for douchiness, here are the worst offenders.
June 7, 2017, 9:51pm
via. Flickr | User. Jakub Michankow

Hanging out at a park on a lazy day is one of summer's greatest pleasures. It's not always easy though—for many in urban centres, this means fighting over sparse patches of grass at densely populated parks. If you're like me, this also means pretending to not be annoyed by being surrounded with the type of people you hate the most for the sake of having a "good time" with friends.

The thing is, we're all guilty of being annoying in public. There's no way to spend time at a very busy place without getting on someone's nerves. However, there are regular people who just want to have a good time and others who really don't give a shit about anyone's comfort. While it's not exactly a competition, here's all the annoying shit you'll see people do this summer.

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People slacklining
A friend told me that slacklining was harmless fun, but they were wrong. Forget that it looks stupid as hell in practice—it takes up so much space. It's also visually distracting to see someone wobbling around the park and falling over. I get that it has to do with core strength or whatever but maybe just go home and do pushups? Go slackline on pavement, please.

White people in "African" drum circles
As a general rule, if you see more than six white people (two of whom have dreads) together at a park there's a 70 percent chance they are about to form a drum circle or are thinking about joining one. White people love "African" drum circles more than I, an African, could ever understand. The thing about drum circles is that nobody sees them form, they just appear and you're left wondering how long it will last. If you're close enough, they become mesmerizing. If you get past how assaulting drum circles usually are to the ears, seeing that many people clapping and dancing off beat, while looking so happy is almost entertaining.

Some jerk aggressively working out
Not unlike slacklining, this dude wants you to know he is active. He picks a prime spot in the park, likely near a tree and does a bunch of movements that look very dangerous, painful and not at all good for the human body. Watching him is stressful because he looks like he's going to break something and suddenly you feel bad for Ubering to the park instead of walking.

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Some shitty dog
Even if you don't like dogs, dogs at parks isn't a big deal. Only, some dogs do not belong at parks at all. This dog is likely very small and has a loud yip. Because the owner really thinks their pet is a baby, the dog is not on a leash. It runs up to you and your friends with a foaming mouth, it tries to eat your food and is generally aggressive. Of course, its owner will not apologize—they will only mention how their dog wouldn't hurt a fly or something.

People who are really into frisbee
These are the people who refuse to call it frisbee. Instead they call it a "disc." They probably played Ultimate Frisbee competitively well after university, and take throwing a disc very seriously. So seriously, they lose themselves completely and have no regard for the limited amount of space around them. They will hit you in the head and then run over to you only wearing cargo shorts and Teva's profusely apologizing, but they won't actually be sorry because they'll just continue throwing their disc threateningly close until you end up leaving.

Dude reading Hemingway under a tree
This guy isn't really doing anything wrong. His only crime is sitting on a blanket, wearing dark tan chinos, and performatively reading The Sun Also Rises. Much like the wild animals Ernest Hemingway used to kill for sport, you should not get too close to him if you are a woman. He is just dying to explain literature to a woman he has just met and to describe himself as a "citizen of Mother Earth." He loves talking about the lack of "realness" on Tinder.

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Couple taking wedding photos
By looking at this very traditionally attractive J-Crew catalogue couple, you know their engagement photos appeared on Facebook with a giant watermark. You know their wedding photographer said something like, "You know what would be wacky? If we took some photos at this park full of people dressed normally. Think of the contrast!" They went with it and now they're in everybody's way while trying to look very in love. Their photographer stepped on your friends hair trying to get that one good shot before magic hour is over.

Cops
Riding around on bikes, these cops do not care for your fun. Knowing they can't possibly arrest everyone doing a number of illegal things—they instead get in your way while trying to look as menacing as possible on a bike.

People pretending to not smoke weed
Nobody really cares if anyone's smoking weed at the park—but they will go to great lengths to conceal their weed. They'll pretend they're not smoking weed even though you can smell it. They don't understand that by looking very shifty pulling out a suspicious hand rolled cigarette from a Belmonts box, they're drawing more attention than being chill.

People trying to get work done
A busy park should be the last place anyone tries to get work done—still, there are people out there willing to fool themselves into bringing their laptops and getting shit done. The worst thing about this particular person is their attempt at policing groups of people hanging around them. They look at you and your friends with obvious annoyance at the sound of laughter, completely forgetting they are not in a library.

People listening to music loudly
No matter how good you think your taste is, nobody wants to listen to your music in public. This person will be sure to sit in a prime location with the rest of their friends, blasting (possibly their own) Soundcloud mix on tinny speakers while glancing around waiting to be appreciated by the masses.

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