Screen capture via YouTube/SPORTSNET
Three Stars of Comedy
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The first star: Dave Elston – You may not know the name, but you should. Elston is the legendary cartoonist whose NHL work was some of the only reliable hockey humor produced for much of the 80s, 90s, and beyond. He recently joined Twitter, where's he's been releasing old cartoons from his archives. He's must-follow for hockey fans, even new ones who may not get all the references.
Outrage of the Week
It really can't. We all have our good and bad days, and we all get criticized at some point by somebody. But for most of us, it doesn't happen on the front page of a newspaper or leading off the nightly newscast. It's easy enough to say that players should toughen up and have thicker skin, and some of them do. But not everyone is going to handle negativity in the same way, and basic human nature tells us that occasionally, it's going to get to you. Or as Eberle put it, "When you read articles every day about how much you suck, it’s tough."So yes, Eberle's got a point here, and what he's saying about his experience as an Oiler is undoubtedly true.
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Obscure Former Player of the Week
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- This is what happens when you let two redheads coach in the same NHL game.
- This is actually one of the first (for lack of a better term) modern goalie fights I can remember. In the old days, goalie would pair off during bench-clearing brawls, but those had recently become extinct. This was one of the first times that a goalie got to do the full length-of-the-ice skate. Twice, as it turns out.
- Most importantly, Sean Burke was legitimately one of the best fighting goalies ever. People remember Hextall or Patrick Roy or Billy Smith, and rightfully so, but Burke belongs right up there with them. Laforest actually does OK here; others were not as lucky.
Be It Resolved
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- He's already thinking ahead to free agency in 2019.
- He thinks money is important, and apparently doesn't feel the need to pretend otherwise.
- He plans to talk with fellow UFA Erik Karlsson to maximize their potential payout.
- He thinks he should make more than P.K. Subban.
- This all might end with him playing somewhere else, and he sure sounds interested in the Maple Leafs (including him describing their coaching situation by saying, and I swear to you that this is a real quote, "Oh fuck, yeah. Babs.")
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Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- This clip seems to be from Detroit's PASS sports station, and would have aired in the early 90s. They're going to take a shot at what the next few decades hold. Let's see how they do.
- We start off with a look back at the days when hockey was played outdoors, which is crazy because I'm pretty sure neither of those teams is even the Blackhawks. We also hear about how goalie pads are much bigger than ever before. If you consider that a good thing then boy, do I have exciting news for you, early 90s hockey fans.
- We also hear about all of the "space age" equipment that modern players have, including "custom-fitted skates." Yeah, I bet it was rough back in the day when you just had to wear whatever size they had lying around.
- We finally get to the predictions for 2050, and I just want to point out that the last clip before we jump into the future is of Steve Yzerman and the Tampa Bay Lightning. Does that count as an accurate prediction? I think it might have to.
- So our first prediction of life in 2050 is…uh, Alaska looking like a beach due to global warming. Wow, this got dark in a hurry. I'm kind of depressed now. I sure hope future scientists are focused on preserving the climate so we don't all die.
- Nope, they're making fake ice and bladeless jet skates. But "the air jets are non-polluting," so cool, close enough.
- After way too many shots of some dude's toes, we move onto our next prediction: Hockey's expansion to the sun belt. That ended up happening, of course, although not quite as far south as Central America, as predicted here. We also get a look at the uniforms of 2050, which is clearly wrong since there aren't any ads plastered all over them.
- I'm completely on board with the Lazer Stik, though. It's not so much the warp setting or $14,999 price tag, I just like the idea of a stick that doesn't break every third shift.
- Side note: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as announcer Marty Adler is about literally every sentence in this clip. Or, as he would put it: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as this announcer is about LITERALL EVERY SENTENCE in this clip.
- Next up is the helmet of the future, which includes a microphone, tiny TV screens, and even brain probes to foil opposition attempts at frequency jamming. Weird, I guess the Patriots are an NHL team in 2050.
- Also, the helmets will have cameras in them, which is just ridiculous.
- Coaches will apparently live in little rooms packed with screens, a bubble hockey game, and a button that's labelled DO NOT PUSH in giant letters. I'm kind of intrigued by that last one. I'm assuming Ken Holland has one in his office right now that starts the Red Wings rebuild.
- We get a section about the puck being embedded with sensors that makes reviewing goals and offsides foolproof. That's pretty much guaranteed to happen at some point soon, and I'd give them credit for getting another one right if I weren't distracted by trying to figure out why the goalie of the future wears a blocker all the way up his entire arm.
- There's a break halfway through, during which the future player stares at us for an uncomfortably long time. I have a lot of questions, like: Do everyone's eyebrows look that in 2050 or just hockey players? Does he wear the helmet all the time, or do the brain probes come off? And most importantly, can you please make him go away before I have nightmares?
- The second half is focused on the fans, who will of course have flying cars because it's the future. Arenas will have retractable roofs, force fields and laser walls. And there will be two classes of fans, the elites who matter and the poors who don't. That sounds about right, nods Kevin Lowe.
- I'm all in on the food chute—or, as Marty calls it, the FOOD CHUTE. But the rest of those luxury features sound awful. Can you imagine having a phone and a screen right in your face at all times? Sounds like an awful way to go through life.
- No joke, the spinning section of the stands is a good idea and we should do that. Build that into your next arena proposal, Calgary.
- We also hear about 3D holographic broadcast, which also seem pretty cool. You know, the future of hockey sounds like a lot of fun. I've almost forgotten that 2050 will feature uncontrolled global warming that will render the planet a dystopian nightmare and oh good they're here to remind me.
- Yes, we're back to the warm weather thing, as we learn that the NHL will expand to Egypt and Guam on its way to becoming a 128-team league. Sorry, Hamilton, you were #129 on the list, we swear.
- Just as we're trying to figure out why there are future divisions named after Rick Zombo and Walt Poddubny, our clip ends. Overall, they did reasonably well—they pretty much nailed outdoor games, puck sensors and helmet-cams, and they still have 33 years to get the rest of it. (You know, before we all die in the great flood.)