Question Of The Day - To Whom Would You Give The Key To The City?

Receiving the key to the city is an antiquated tradition passed on to us by our ancestors who had walls in their cities to avoid being murdered and/or pillaged by opposing armies, vikings and probably monsters. The honourable key holder would be able to enter and exit the monsterless city at night whenever they pleased. Nowadays we give the key to the city to whoever because who cares? Hell, Toronto mayor Rob Ford recently gave the key to the city to the founder McDonald’s Canada. It even once, in California, went to the world’s tallest cat.

Daniel and Jenna, a floor manager in a restaurant and unemployed:

Jenna: Jeez, I don’t know…

Daniel: David Miller.

The former mayor of Toronto?

Daniel: Yeah, he did a lot for the city. He transformed it into a greener Toronto. He was progressive, good for young people who have ideas.

Jenna: Wouldn’t it be nice to give it to someone who keeps art and culture in Toronto? Give it to the people who run Artscape.

What do you think the key to the city does?

Daniel: Are you being figurative?

Jenna: It probably does nothing. It honours you and gives you prestige but just for the fact that I don’t know anyone who has gotten the key to the city…

Did you know that Nickelback received the key to Toronto in 2003?

Jenna: Nickelback got it?

They did. Do you think they deserved it?

Jenna: No!

Daniel: Did you just say the N-word?

Jenna: They probably just got it because they’re famous. Unless they did something charitable…I don’t know.

Vince, security: Maybe give it to that girl who did the speech on the banking system. What’s her name?

Victoria Grant?

Yeah. She’s like 12 years old. Her head is really together, I mean it would be nice to see an economic basis like that active in the political system. So I would have no problem honouring someone like that.

What do you think the key to the city does?

I think it’s a matter of representation. Someone who represents the city.

Did you know that Mickey Mouse received the key to Toronto in 1999?

I have no words for that. Mickey Mouse hasn’t done a lot for the city.

Mary, comedian: I would give it to David Suzuki. Someone who has actually done something.

That’s the best answer I’ve heard all day.

Yeah, I mean he’s been a great part of Canada for a long time. He’s very educational and he’s done amazing things for the environment. He’s David Suzuki.

What do you think the key to the city does?

I think it just gives someone a certain level of respect. That’s kind of silly.

Did you know that Vladimir Putin received the key to the city of Calgary in 2011? And that Calgary doesn’t hand out a key but a white cowboy hat?

I heard that, yeah.

Do you think he deserved it?

No. It should go to someone we can look up to and aspire to be like. And that’s not him.

Alike, bartender: I don’t have an answer to that. I’d give it to myself.

Why do you deserve it?

I don’t deserve it. Do I deserve it? It’s just symbolic, what is it really? Can you like, walk into people’s houses with the key to the city?

What would you do with the key to the city?

I would probably break into people’s houses a lot. Watch them having sex, look through their stuff. I need $20? I’d just grab it. No problem. Sorry, it’s mine.

Did you know that Saddam Hussein received the key to the city of Detroit in 1980?

(Laughs) I didn’t know that. That’s hilarious.

Do you think he deserved it?

Oh for sure. He had to. Why else would they give it to him.