Harry's Freedom Foxhole - Animals are Smarter Than PETA

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is an organization that’s been around for 30 years, has 2 million members (according to Wikipedia, anyway), has some of the most salacious commercials this side of GoDaddy, and gets celebrities like Alec Baldwin to shill on its behalf, so it’s worth reminding yourself every now and then that no matter how much PETA dresses itself up like a mainstream cause, its actions are those of a bunch of monomaniacal, batshit crazy fanatics.

The latest such reminder came five days ago, when a judge threw out a lawsuit brought against SeaWorld by PETA in which PETA was claiming that keeping some orcas in captivity violated the 13th Amendment, which bans slavery. The orcas were listed as defendants. Yup. PETA claims that orcas have the same rights as people. A PETA spokesman told the Huffington Post, "Slavery doesn't depend upon the species of the slave, any more than it depends upon the race, gender, or ethnicity of the slave.”

Wait, really? PETA, a group supported by no less a personage than Alec Baldwin, thinks that laws banning slavery should apply to animals? Does that mean that they are opposed to zoos and even pets? Yes, actually, it does. PETA describes zoos as “animal prisons” and holds the position that “it would have been in the animals' best interests if the institution of ‘pet keeping’—i.e., breeding animals to be kept and regarded as ‘pets’—never existed.” If PETA had existed during the Neolithic era, presumably, they would have opposed the domestication of animals. (One of my favorite South Park episodes exaggerates PETA’s views, but not by a whole lot.)

You can love animals and be a good pet owner and think that, for instance, industrial hog farms are horrible places without wanting to ban zoos and give animals the same rights as people.

If keeping animals is legally slavery, is hunting murder? (PETA would likely say yes.) And wait, if animals have the same rights as people, does that mean a wolf killing a deer would be murder too? If not, does that mean animals can kill animals but people can’t? If a raccoon bit my kid and gave her rabies and she died, could I arrest the raccoon for assault, manslaughter, or murder? And would the cops have to read the raccoon its rights and provide it with a public defender?

It’s easy to say, “Yeah, we shouldn’t give orcas rights because that’s dumb and bullshit,” but it’s a little interesting to think about why we shouldn’t give orcas the same rights as humans. As PETA will probably tell you, we used to think some races were subhuman and didn’t deserve rights, so why not give dolphins the same protections we give two-legs?

I’d argue that it comes down to a quote from the famous animal philosophers, the Berenstain Bears: “With privilege comes responsibility.” It seems to me that people should have as much freedom as possible because oppression is horrifying and stuff, but you also have to be capable of not violating other people’s rights—I think it’s OK for you to have a gun, but not if you can’t help killing someone with it. It’s OK for people to have sex with anyone who wants to have sex with them, but not OK to rape or sexually assault anyone ever. That’s pretty simple stuff, but a lot of animals rape and kill each other all the time, and some of them would kill humans without thinking about it. That’s fine, it’s natural—stray cats rape each other loudly outside my window semi-frequently, and I’m pretty sure even PETA doesn’t have a problem with that. (Or do they? Can someone ask Alec Baldwin about cats raping each other?)

Maybe PETA was kidding or pulling a PR stunt when they sued SeaWorld, but I’m not sure they know what “kidding” is anymore. There’s a way to say “Yo, it’s fucked that you keep animals in tiny spaces like that,” without saying, “WHALES ARE JUST BIG PEOPLE WHO HANG OUT IN THE WATER!” That would seem obvious to anyone who isn’t crazy or dumb, but clearly PETA is not smarter than the average bear.

@HCheadle

Previously - Sweet, Succulent Porcupine Meat