Here Are Your Weekend Club Horoscopes (Part Two)

For all your Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer, Gemini, Libra and Scorpio needs, head to Part One of our 100 percent astrologically accurate guide. For the rest of you, read on below.

It's time for an adventure. To be honest, ditch the club, you've done it all before and you're probably bored of it by now right? I don't mean take a long road trip out to the Great Ocean Road, I mean do something exciting. Okay you can't think of anything? The club it is then. It looks like you're pretty thirsty for being a random, kooky risk taker, but please for the love of blog house don't tag along to a party with a group of strangers who don't like you. You're very likely to be "that guy" at the party no one invited and no one wants around. Just be adventurous with your own friends and try a Chambord and lemonade, they're delicious and I bet you've never had one before.

You have tickets to about three gigs all of which you purchased a month ago. It's pretty impressive. But you know that. You're quite organised but beware of flakey friends pulling out (probably that shitty Capricorn your friends with). Don't let it get you down, if you need to go to the rock show on your own, do it. and you might have a real life 500 Days of Summer moment (they meet at work in that movie but listening to whiney rock music is similar to working a bad 9-5 desk job). Meet the person of your dreams and bond over the same crap music you like and get ready to experience the most excruciating break up in approximately 500 days.

Are you carrying your new LV bag? Is your Versace underwear ever so casually visible? Are people at the party going to be aware your wearing the new season Tom Ford? You like showing off, it's great we love you for it too because we get to stare at all the new shiny things you're wearing. But you have been to a club before right? This isn't a Michelin star restaurant, this is a place where people snort lines off toilet seats. I hate to break it to you but impressing a bunch of club kids with Chanel isn't the right idea. Your ego boost will need to be pushed back to midweek otherwise you'll be crying before 3am over gum stuck to the bottom your new pair of Yeezys.

It's been a hard week. You've probably had a shit one at your shitty job, failed a shitty exam or been too shitty to do anything. Don't suffer alone, get a group of friends together and get shitfaced. Gather your most complimentary friends, order a whole lot of pizza, drink sangria and let it all out! If you keep it all bottled up, the next time you're out you'll be that person dragging an acquaintance into a corner for a deep and meaningful (and boring) conversation, and ruin someone's very good MDMA high. Actually get some MDMA, you probably need it.

What is your secret to being so happy? I'm a crappy Capricorn who doesn't understand your energy but truth is whatever you're doing, keep doing it. You're positive and always see the bright side in every hollow husk of a situation, so when you're the only person left at the club at 7am, it's likely you're going to skip out of there, grab a green smoothie and go to the gym. You're the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I absolutely hate. Have a great weekend.

Your lucky days are Saturday and Sunday. That basically means everything is bound to fall into place, but don't be so sure. You're at a tipping point in your life, where you're considering culling the club, working out where your third eye is and are slowly becoming convinced by the whole smashed avo movement. This isn't any better and will likely result in a heavy blow to the number of Instagram followers you have. Get smashed instead because your third eye doesn't exist and if Sunday really is your lucky day, you might just wake up to a Powerade in the fridge.

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Kish Lal is one half of Club Angels. Follow her on Twitter for more reliable horoscopes than Susan Miller.

Illustrations by Plastic Loaves.