A Definitive Ranking of All the England Football Songs

If football has taught us one thing, it is that the public love to shout. Football creates one of the only situations where it's acceptable for an entire room of people to form a spontaneous choir, while none of them can actually sing. Even when this phenomenon happens and there is no football on, it’s referred to as a football chant.

Given that tonight's World Cup semi-final is a huge night for England, and that football is about winning, and music is also about winning, and life is basically about winning, it’s only fitting that football’s biggest songs are marked out of 10 based on some light music theory but mostly other arbitrary criteria. That way, you'll know exactly which are best ones to sing (scream) if you're an England fan. If not – pray for all your Scottish, Welsh and Irish mates on this insufferable day for them – you can at least affirm how much you hate these stupid songs for that team that won't shut up about football. :)

The thing about "Three Lions" is that it sounds simple – "it’s coming home" repeated several times probably has something to do with that – but there’s actually a lot going on here. Usually, I analyse pop songs using my knowledge of music theory. In this case, that mostly comes into play to consider how "Three Lions" builds into something explosive. We don’t find out WHAT is coming home until the third repetition of the phrase “It’s coming home.” What is?! Oh – of course – football. It’s football, everyone, it’s fine. This is not the only tension-building device. “Three Lions” starts gently, lolloping along a harpsichord line that meets softly blown horns, like a Beatles track. It's sucking you in. But the verses also sound like “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys so actually, while this may seem like an All The Big Boys Have A Big Boys Day Out At The Pub song, it’s actually a Very Sensitive Bonding song that goes well alongside things like Love Actually. The other thing about "Three Lions" is that it’s just as effective when you ignore most of the song’s content, leaving just the words "it’s coming home." Those words are just as effective shouted as sung, and especially when done so layered over the "three lions on a shirt" chorus.

Rating: 9/10

“God Save The Queen” – UK National Anthem

"God Save The Queen" is too fucking slow. It is so slow that nobody knows when they are allowed to breathe, or literally run out of breath, so they sing “God save our – GASP – graaaaaaacious Queen”, or “God save our graaaaaaaa – GASP – cious Queen”, or “God save - GASP – our gracious Queen”. I’d like a crisp allegro so that we can at least get through the first line without adding an enormous pause to an already tedious phrase. Obviously it’s slow because it’s regal, and regal things are slow because the Queen is rich and time is money. So maybe it makes sense. The stately tempo does come into its own with the massive scale just before "send her victorious," which really gets everyone pumped. The other good thing is when you get to watch the footballers sing it and they’re out of sync with the crowd and the orchestra and occasionally they’re not sure of the words and sometimes the mic catches their voice and they’re really out of tune, those are some of life’s little thrills. Downsides: it's still too slow, it’s boring, and I believe in neither God nor the monarchy.

Rating: 3/10

This would be a perfectly normal song, but it has a verse in it that’s rapped by footballer John Barnes, and it sounds like the theme tune to a late night sports programme. It appears initially to be the most profound of all the songs listed here, with motivational lyrics that are universally applicable. Taking a closer look, some of the lyrics are literally just about the logistics of playing football – “don’t give it away” (the ball), “it’s one on one” (marking), “create the space” (SPACE LADS, SPACE!). All of this is equally as important as metaphor, though, and if I were a footballer I would probably sing it to myself during matches just to remind myself of what to do. It’s a shame it’s slightly too subtle to have a line that goes “score the goals”. Conversely, Barnes’ rap specifically says “this ain’t a football song” which throws into question precisely what sort of song it is. Taken in conjunction with the previous line, though – “we ain’t no hooligans” – maybe the hidden meaning is that football is not trivial and is much more meaningful than the sum of its parts. The song, perhaps, could be applied to lots of different situations. We’ve come full circle. Good continuity. Complex. Not quite as shout-able as some of the others.

Rating: 7/10

Any footballer's name to the tune of the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army” gets a special mention. People can even do this one without saying any lyrics: a simple "woahhh oh oh oh oh ohhhhh ohhh" usually pleases fans in the Premier League, of national teams and more. Let's use Liverpool FC's ex-defensive midfielder Javier Mascherano as an example, whose name was often sung as "Jaaaaa-vier Ma-sche-raaaaano" over the White Stripes guitar riff. The three notes on which fans would sing “vier Ma-sche" are triplets – that means they divide the bar into three where it would normally be in two. The use of the repeating guitar phrase from the song, which is circular, means you can sing it literally endlessly, making for catchy, infectious moment in the terraces (or a persuasive political campaign, if you're Jeremy Corbyn).

Rating: 7.5/10

"Early 2000s pop group Atomic Kitten and football?!" I hear you cry. "Never the twain shall meet!" Well, you would be wrong to cry that. Two worlds collide in a football song incorporating the eternal classic "it’s coming home" with the Kittens’ sentimental ballad “Whole Again”. As a sidebar for non-Brits: Atomic Kitten were a manufactured girl group, founded in 1998 – they were huge in the UK and big in Germany for a bit. Their single "Whole Again" features a chorus with the lyric "baby you're the one, you still turn me on." And fortunately, Southgate has the same number of syllables as baby, so fans can address him directly: "Southgate you’re the one, you still turn me on, football’s coming home again." The first instance is believed to have been by Scotland Celtic FC fans, who switched out "baby" for the surname of Swedish import Mikael Lustig. Overall this one is good. Atomic Kitten might even re-record it – singer Natasha Hamilton, above, has already done the direct-to-social-media-and-a-cappella upload. Anything's possible now.

Rating: 6/10

This is a real song that is about football that contains the line “can I introduce you please to a lump of cheddar cheese”. However, it is testament to the ease with which this song introduces themes at the drop of the hat. The “Vindaloo” tune that we all know and love actually starts as just being sung “nah nah nah”. Apropos of nothing, the following line is introduced: “me and me mum and me dad and me gran, we’re off to Waterloo, me and me mum and me dad and me gran with a bucket of vindaloo." The word bucket is then repeated in a triumphant manner. From then on, the tune previously sung to “nah nah nah” is sung to “vindaloo”. It’s genius.

The question here is whether they knew the song would be called “vindaloo” and came up with a tune to fit with it, or whether vindaloo was the best word to fit with the “nah nah nah” tune. We may never know. Anyway, it all builds up very nicely and in the final chorus there are cymbals crashing, a harmony in thirds above the main melody, and a school choir. It’s a huge banger. The absolute best thing, though, is the line “we’re gonna score one more than you”. That line is football, and basically all sport, and basically all human beings, in their purest, most childish form.

Rating: 10/10

You can follow Emily on Twitter.