53 Reasons Life Sucks for Millennials

We're all going to die on the floor of an Amazon warehouse.
March 30, 2018, 5:25pm

Friends, we are living in dark times. College is really expensive, student loan debt is crushing many of us, wages have been stagnant for years, and we'll never buy houses. Meanwhile, pension plans have been replaced by 401(k)s, which run out, and the average millennial has a grand total of $0 in savings accounts. That means we’ll all probably die on the floor of an Amazon warehouse in the middle of a shift—with the exception of those who can figure out how to get famous from vaping on YouTube. Those are pretty much the only two options.


That said, millennials who aren't able to inhale for very long out of a USB stick shouldn't obsess over the dark times awaiting them. After all, life expectancy is, like, 120 or something? Worrying for that long will only make you more miserable and you're going to have to put up with a lot before the day a robodog finally carries your lifeless corpse to an enormous burial plot owned by Jeff Bezos. Trust us, it might come as a relief. In addition to the commonly known horrors millennials have to deal with, here are 53 more.

  • There's a nonzero chance robots will kill us all.
  • If we don't die from the terrifying substances people put in cocaine first.
  • Don't forget the opioid crisis is killing people at a horrendous clip.
  • But in the meantime, it's way harder to find LSD than it used to be.
  • There are too many things to watch.
  • Not to mention way too many fucking podcasts.
  • We have to listen to bad opinions about how much better music used to be.
  • We have to listen to bad opinions about college students.
  • We have to listen to bad opinions about Star Wars every year now??
  • Every movie now ends with actors yelling into a wind machine while a CGI blob destroys a city.
  • All the information in the world is available to everyone. Everyone is an expert, and nobody has agreed on anything for 20 years.
  • Thanks to WebMD and the nationwide rise in anxiety, it's possible to convince yourself that every ache or twinge is leukemia or ebola or spinocerebellar ataxia type 6.
  • We know exactly how awful all of our childhood idols were as people.
  • The world is more connected than ever before, meaning everyone is able to read the story of Garlic Cock Man or see a photo of the “cumbox.”
  • It's hard to avoid people because everyone has cellphones.
  • We can’t hide from government surveillance.
  • Our personal data is being used constantly by faceless corporations for purposes we don’t understand.
  • Most of our experience is now mediated through a screen.
  • Social media makes us all anxious.
  • Our dumbass actions and opinions from when we were 18 will live forever on the internet.
  • We could accidentally become memes.
  • The price of making a bad joke on Twitter is basically death.
  • That thing where you try to explain a meme or Twitter-based joke to someone in real life and realize halfway through that you are being intolerable.
  • Nazis have Twitter.
  • Everything about Facebook.
  • We can’t quit Facebook because you need it for work/staying in touch with people.
  • Does anyone else have a hard time remembering so many passwords?
  • Everything to do with vlogging.
  • Everything about gender reveal videos.
  • Liberal democracy might be failing in the West.
  • Like, Donald Trump is president.
  • Everything to do with cable news.
  • Dating apps can give us too many choices, paralyzing us.
  • Everyone has STDs.
  • Antibiotic-resistant bacteria in general.
  • There are too many novelty foods.
  • Any food that’s not carcinogenic is too expensive to eat regularly.
  • Services like Amazon and Uber depend on low-wage workers, but we can’t afford to be ethical consumers.
  • We have to decide between watching our most popular national sport and supporting people getting brain damage.
  • At some point it will be revealed that everyone who makes any enjoyable cultural product is a horrible person.
  • It's possible to download and print a gun :(
  • We never do anything cool like send someone to the Moon just to show we can.
  • Those coffee places where they have like four different ways to make a cup of coffee and none cost less than $5.
  • Climate change may ruin coffee.
  • The ocean is filling slowly with garbage.
  • And rising sea levels are now a genuine danger in places like Florida.
  • Extreme weather events are becoming more and more common.
  • Parts of the world will soon be so hot they’ll be unlivable.
  • Animals are dying off at an alarming rate.
  • Baby boomers are still in power, and still ruining the world.
  • Articles about millennials are almost always reductive and targeted at stoking outrage.
  • Journalism has been replaced by dumb listicles.
  • Listicle writing is very difficult.