No One Is Good Enough to Work for Beyoncé

A viral Twitter thread reminds us that not one mortal walking this Earth is qualified to collect a check from Queen Bey.
Alex Zaragoza
Brooklyn, US
June 24, 2019, 4:44pm
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Phot ocredit: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images, @CORNYASSBITCH/Twitter

If you thought you could ever work as Beyoncé's assistant, one Twitter thread proved you're, well, not irreplaceable.

On Saturday, Twitter user @CORNYASSBITCH created a thread that blew up the Twitter contingent of the BeyHive. The thread was a Choose Your Own Adventure-style game in which you, player one, are assistant to the one true queen, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, and your aim is to see how many levels you can survive before being removed from her payroll and forced to work for someone like Audrina Patridge or Heidi Montag (or, really, anyone that has ever appeared on The Hills). And to be fair, you'd deserve it for failing Beyoncé by bringing her eggs and bacon instead of yogurt, strawberries, and granola the morning of a red carpet appearance. Imbecile!

Each level increases in difficulty, with players having to make choices that would either grant them an approving head nod from Bey and passage to the next round, or a brutal, soul-shattering vocal assault delivered with pitch-perfect range, followed by a letter of termination from her team of lawyers. As it goes, the truer the Beyoncé stan you are, the likelihood of advancing to the next level is greater. Even so, noted Bey super stan Chrissy Teigen only made it three rounds, while her assistant got clapped from the job in round one. Questlove got a "to be continued" status after failing once.

Landon Rivera, a 19-year old student and freelance graphic designer based in Los Angeles, is the genius behind the Twitter game. He told VICE via Twitter DM that he made the game for his followers that are Beyoncé stans "but then it got really popular." Rivera explained that the questions in the game were based on information he knew about the Queen mostly just from having been a fan. For example, one question asks if, since Beyoncé is running late, she should get ready in the car instead of in her hotel room. Anyone who chose the car (knowing Beyoncé hates to be late) would get fired on the spot because it leads to Beyoncé violently barfing in the backseat. Why? "In an interview, I think it was on the Tyra show, she says she gets carsick and Tyra was telling her to look up at the ceiling," said Rivera.

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The Beyoncé assistant Twitter game is not only better than Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (who would absolutely get fired from Beyoncé's employ in two rounds max if it were a sentient being and not a disappointing streaming TV episode), but it is also a harsh, yet fair, reminder of the one universal truth that binds us all: None of us are good enough to work for Beyoncé.

While Rivera says there were a few who beat the game on their first try, most failed miserably. Even he wouldn't make the cut. "I'd probably end up fired if I was her assistant," he said. "I'd definitely try to ask her all kind of questions, like how long did it take to get Lemonade ready, did she have [the] Everything Is Love album planned, why didn’t she release the Formation world tour dvd?" Definitely all fireable offenses.

Mrs. Carter requires excellence in every facet of your being in order to be anywhere near her inner circle (unless your name is Jay-Z; in that case, you get a ton of leeway). You may know she loves swimming in the ocean after watching her HBO special Life Is But A Dream, in which she talks about her deep connection to the sea, but if you think advising her to swim before getting her hair and makeup done isn't going to get your ass unemployed, then you're dead wrong. Truly foolish. An assistant to Beyoncé must be five steps ahead at all times, must be able to predict the future, must be able to see every likely outcome and make swift, correct decisions at every turn. There is no room for error, because one mistake, like offering her wine before an interview or telling her to get ready in the car or feeding her a vegetarian meal when she is actually in a vegan period could lead to disaster. How. DARE. You. She is Sasha FIERCE, not Sasha Tame. You're not good enough. No one is. If this Twitter thread is the litmus test you needed before submitting your application, so be it.

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Follow Alex Zaragoza, who got fired from being Beyoncé's assistant in round 3, on Twitter.