​Charlton Fan in Court Accused of Trying to Punch Crystal Palace's Eagle

Though most people view the history of football through the conventional lens of players, managers, silverware and results, there's an alternative school of thought when it comes to the development of the beautiful game. A handful of radical thinkers have come to the conclusion that the rise of football is inextricably linked with the growing popularity of another sociocultural phenomenon: the punching of animals for no justifiable reason whatsoever.

Nobody knows exactly why, but football fans have seemed more inclined to indulge in wanton acts of animal cruelty over the last few years than ever before. In 2013, the world was introduced to the Newcastle horse puncher. Next came Bristol Rovers' own equestrian assailant. Soon enough, fans were throwing dogs around to protest refereeing decisions.

Now, a Charlton Athletic fan is in court accused of trying to punch Crystal Palace's club mascot – a bald eagle called Kayla.

The alleged incident dates back to last September and is meant to have taken place during Palace's 4-1 victory over Charlton in the League Cup. The Addicks fan in question has been charged with violent disorder and attempted criminal damage to the tune of £20,000. That's Kayla's approximate cash value, according to the Croydon Advertiser.

Does anything epitomise man's miserable existence more aptly than the image of a football fan trying to punch an eagle? Doomed to be earth-bound for all eternity, are we really so envious of winged creatures that – in the deepest, darkest reaches of our subconscious – we desire nothing more than to deck a majestic bird of prey?

Imagine, if you will, the moments after a man has thrown a clumsy right hook at an eagle. The eagle flies off, dignified and unscathed, while the man cries out in impotent anguish at the sight of its noble plumage fluttering in the wind. The eagle lets out a magnificent cry, while the man throws feeble punches towards the heavens until his arms ache from their fruitless assault on the empty sky.

What is the point of trying to punch an eagle at a football match, really? Eagles aren't partisan – they don't care about the result. As much as the club might want to anthropomorphise Kayla for marketing reasons, she doesn't actually support Crystal Palace. She is an eagle. Her sympathies with Alan Pardew are nul.

Though proceedings are still ongoing, with no decision made on the defendant's guilt (or lack thereof), the fact that we can even conceive of a world where football fans punch eagles is seriously disturbing. It's worrying from the perspective of animal welfare, obviously, but it also provides us with a terrifying glance into another reality – a place where football is the facade that masks a thousand eagle punchers, a place where our jealousy flies free.