MAGNIFICENT SECRETIONS

One of the best things about my job is that I get to spend a great deal of time away from my desk, carousing showroom after showroom "oo-ing" and "ah-ing" at every garment put in front of me. But recently I've noticed an odd trend when it comes to "Vice Fashion" market appointments. They always try to steer me away from all the beauty products! And I think that's total bullshit. Sure maybe we don't write about "beauty" very often but maybe that's because we're normal and don't care to wash our hair with whale sperm. And despite common belief I can assure you we do not prefer the scent of patchouli or even our own natural scent to more refined fragrances by Chanel or Maitre Parfumeur et Gantier.

I'd just about given up on everyone and their stupid preconceived notions about our magazine until the folks at

W29

restored my faith in fashion PR. They work with amazing brands like The Local Firm, Rodebjer, Dagmar, and Ashish, and while viewing their S/S 2010 collections they didn't even think twice before ushering me over to check out their newest client

Etat Libre D'Orange

. I couldn't have been more excited! The suggestive Parisian line carries a slew of pleasant aromas ranging from a simple talisman filled with rose water to a bottle of something called Secretions Magnifiques (the label has a giant penis on it – nice!). I also found myself attracted to the scent entitled Putain des Palaces, which is really just a sexy way of saying "Hotel Slut." Now I myself am not a hotel bar regular, but I can appreciate the skill and effort that those women put into their work – especially since I'm very much an introvert and terrified of drawing too much sexual attention to myself. I happily left with a bag of samples including those mentioned above plus a bottle of Don't Get Me Wrong Baby (I Don't Swallow).

The minute I arrived home I hastily applied Putain des Palaces, just to try it out for the evening and see what kind of reaction I'd get from people. Sadly, I didn't feel all that slutty. Guess I have to go to a hotel to find out if it really works.