Francisco Garcia's Westminster Whispers

Westminster is a mmmmmurky place. Crammed with secrets, witness to centuries of shady deals and unsavoury compromise. Ideals are crushed. Lofty purpose is consumed by cruel necessity. Our fine journalists have been corrupted into a simpering hackocracy. Truth and honour are all too rare. Yet occasionally there emerges from the squalor someone ready to pour the thick bleach of truth down the damp crevices and blocked pipes where the powerful squat. And the results can be as explosive as you might predict.

As Vince Cable takes over the Lib Dems, ex-leader Farron says it was his choice to stake the election campaign on the EU

Oh Timothy… my kingdom for the merest whiff of whatever hard 'ish you've been sprinkling in your porridge. If you could see me right now, well… I wouldn't be able to see you, having rubbed my eyes red raw… with disbelief at your latest masterpiece in sheer political lunacy.

So let me straighten this thing out… you bet your farm on Brexit to – dude, I gotta sit down for this – STOP Brexit from happening? Ahahahaha oh that really is TOO rum. You ghastly little man. So you're telling me you've gambled away the inheritance to PREVENT the WILL of the Great British People? Oh Lord above… how hysterical. Aha.

For God's sake, Timothy… perhaps it's time to leave the fine Cumbrian ales to one side and have a chinwag with your auld pal Jesu… because let's face it, chief, the Liberal Donnycrats might be a broad church, but the way things stand… you're locked out of the service in the pissing rain with the collection plate on your head and a couple of eggs streaming down your face.

You don't even go here! Aha, but seriously Timothy… just sod off.

Jacob Rees-Mogg-mania takes hold as the MP is touted for Tory leadership

The more I see of this Rees-Mogg chap, the more I think 'this guy is just 100 percent political skengman'. Sure, I've been around the block… but I simply don't recall seeing another bredda duppy the twin-peaked rave of solid good sense/old fashioned Tory values quiiiiiite like this don.

He names his son after a number, he has a nanny, he speaks like a humble Shropshire G, he's been on epic shows like Have I Got News For You and Question Time (is Dimbleby actually daddy? Offended… sue me), he smashes the big bong of eloquence in the Commons (floccinaucinihilipilification… seems an awful longwinded way of saying "chyyyyz" don't you think? Mhmm). Is there anything this humble a*s geez*r can't do?

The answer, I'm afraid, is yes. As much as you'd relish a few choicely supped meads down the local estate boozer in his company, or perhaps overindulge in a devastatingly rich bakewell tart at the end of a long day blasting the peace pipe in Regents Park… can you really see this don as leader material?

Ahaha… you might as well try and squeeze Hagrid into an M&S tuxedo. Listen to me now Jacob, you squiffy little upstart… you might have a few Charms, but I don't give a blu*clart chuff if your name is Flitwick or Filch… you better start moving correct before manaman starts taking Umbridge… and truss me when I start bussin' it ain't nothing like Dolores. Chyyyyyyyyyyz!

WATCH: Anti-Capitalist Diary – G20 In Hamburg

Brexit minister pictured without any notes at negotiations with EU officials

Dude, I think I speak for literally everyone in the world when I say… bro, what the hell were you thinking?! Or wait, what were you NOT thinking more like? Aha, I don't know how they por favor the butterbeer over there in E*rope, but the sudsdem must have hit haaaaaaaaaaaard ya na. Let's break it down… this is literally the most embarrassing thing to happen EVER… it's like, err, walking into work with one of your bollo*ks hanging out your cargo shorts and, like, everyone can see.. Your boss, your bird, your bl*ke, your proper geezers, your exes, your colleagues, your mum, your dad… everyone!! Unbelievable G*off!

Aha David, you soppy old prat… here's a bit of cultural ephemera you might actually remember… EU are the weakest link… tata! And if you don't remember that, let me address you in no uncertain or, dare I say, allegorical terms.

I'd recommend you write THIS down son… stay the hell out of my way… because if we do happen to rub against one another in the corridors of power or the sunkissed cocktail terraces of parliament, believe me when I say… it'll take all the magic in Madame Pomfrey's sponge to bring you back to the table. Shabba!

The Beeb has to reveal its biggest paid stars, revealing that there are more highly paid men than women at the corporation.

It's sad to see some friends of mine crudely dragged through the mire for the temerity of being filthy stinking rich :) Jeremy, Gary, Johnny Humpfwee (a small laugh between mates, you wouldn't, couldn't understand), Mad Emily, Crackes Chris…

So in the spirit of solidarity with my public sector brosdem.. It's fallen to this hack to publish a likkle breakdown of his iiiiiiiiincome :)

BBC 0
Potterland 0
CCHQ 0
Gringotts (Consultancy) 0
The Trews 0
The Three Broomsticks (Consultancy) 0
John The Unicorn 200,000,000 Redacted

CHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYZ

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