When I read that Vancouver DJ/Producer Blondtron had just gotten back from Burning Man and she was really upset with "people from LA that just didn't know how to have fun" I literally ran to the closest Internet machine so I could to ask her about it. When I asked her if she knew I was going to quote her on that she said, "What the fuck do I care? I would rather suck a white-guy-with-dreadlocks' dick than ever see those fucking morons again." Before I could type "LOL" she said "let me get my vodka."
It's not a secret that Canadians know how to party. Every time I try to drink with a Canadian I come close to dying. But really when I say "party" I'm not referring to boring old drugs and alcohol—they just really know how to have fun. I'm not sure if it is all of the outdoor sports up there, or the fact that they have better healthcare so they can afford to do stupid shit and hurt themselves, but every time I've raged with our fine Northern friends it's been unforgettable.
Canada also has very good DJs. Blondtron is not only a skilled DJ, but she is absolutely the life of the party, has the funniest Instagram account ever, and had more fun at Burning Man than anyone else. I have spent some weekends with her in the past, and at points I often can't decided whether I want to punch her or hug her or both. It depends on the day or where we are, but she is always keeping it real, so I knew she would tell me everything I needed to know about the perfect Burning Man experience.
THUMP: Start from the beginning.
Blondtron: Okay, so the first day we arrive and are super tired and I park my van on the outskirts of our camp, "Brack Frag"—whatever the fuck that is. I was invited by a friend to stay there and it's run by a super cool dude who just so happens to know way too many people that are douchebags. It's a pretty dialed camp with lots of generators and showers and shit. So I wanted to camp there because it was my first Burn and I had no idea how to be super prepared. There were probably about 30 people there at peak time.
Does everyone pitch in and pay for it or does someone just set up a camp out of the goodness of their heart?
People are supposed to throw in a little bit of money to cover storage for the year but he really doesnt ask people to give him money. But you can be rad and helpful and give him money of course.
So when everyone arrives there at first are they like, "YEAH WE DID IT LET'S RAGE?"
Fuck if I know. We went on a tear and started butt-luging tequila.
You know luging? The Olympic Sport?
Guess not. I should Google it.
You can make an ice luge for vodka. But you can also pour tequila down your ass crack over someone's face.
Oh sweet, so there were some good first impressions then.
No, this happened up on the Thunderdome, which was the fucking best. It's a giant geodesic dome and they play techno viking metal. I got lowered into the dome by my ankles. It was rad. My legs got all cut up from the guy's spiky jacket. But then we went to Capitol Wreckids, which was a big stage there—this kid Chris B from LA was Djing there. Chris Brown; Such an unfortunate name. I am going through my friends photo album right now so I can piece all of this together. But yeah, the first night in my camp was fun. I helped set up the trash and the recycling area, we did some acid and got to know eachother, whatever, you know, not that bad.
Then Tuesday Major Lazer shows up. Then all of a sudden the camp is dead silent and everyone is just on their phones, and worried about wi-fi usage and all that.
You told me everyone got annoyed with you because people were eating bacon out of your butt.
OK so the butt-tequila lounge was happening and this guy was walking around with a giant bag of bacon so then it became tequila-butt bacon-butt. Then it was like, "Who can I get to eat bacon out of my butt on the dancefloor?" And it's Burning Man so the answer is lots. But then it's like, "Well, where do we go from here?" So the next day my friend Christina and I were like, "Let's hide things in our pussy and party and then remember what we put in there and have a big laugh about it." Wow, it sounds so fucked up when I write it in words, but our group of friends is fucking nuts.
So each night it became a funny thing. Mini-Gherkins, candy, a flashlight, and then all of a sudden hours later you're standing in the middle of the desert laughing so hard and Christina gets a look on her face that's like "OMG" and it's because she laughed so hard that a Gherkin had fallen out of her lady garden.
Jesus Christ! If you were freaking people out at Burning Man I am not really sure where to direct you.
It just all seemed so normal. And it's not like we were doing it in the middle of the camp.
Your Twitter bio says "Set Your Pussy Free"
Exactly. Burning man is like that. The guys a couple of camps down had a slinky dinky limbo. They just had a slinky attached at wither end to two guys' dicks and you had to limbo under it.
Yeah that's the whole thing. Every clever pun you have ever thought you were so great for coming up with not only exists there but there is an entire camp of it. And being too cool seriously gets you nowhere there. You will miss everything. If you see something awesome and you want to do it you have to do it in that moment or you won't see it again. "Oh we'll go roller disco later." Nope!
"Hey they are casting butts. Let's do it." YUP! And then you park your bike and cover your butt in coconut oil and lie down on a cushion with your friends and 20 minutes later you are the proud owner of your glutes as art. But if you don't stop you miss it all. The whole mentality of like, showing up to the club not too early, and standing in or near the dj booth, or checking to see if cool people laugh just gets you nowhere there. I did some crazy shit. Even for me. Like Stevie Nicks love dart kinda stuff.
Did you hear any music that blew your mind? It sounds strangely not about that.
I was perpetually disappointed with the music. Just too glitchy and trancey for me. The best music I heard all weekend was at the Dr. Bronners foam tank. The Dr. Bronners camp wins Burning Man forever.
They have a camp? What?
They have a big tent. And the best music. So you go in and you get naked and you're all dusty and dirty with a bunch of other naked people and there's this big plexi glass chamber that looks like a gas chamber and it had metal grates on the top and on the bottom and a super hot naked dude that looks like Jesus—WWJDM: When Will Jesus Do Me—is herding all the naked people into this gas chamber of joy. Then all these people with hoses start hyping you and getting you to dance and when you dance enough they spray you with magical lavendar Dr. Bronner foam and you just get covered in it, and everyone is like blissfully laughing and screaming. I was scared to open my eyes because I thought it would sting so I was just bouncing off all of these foamy naked people in a big tank. Then I rubbed my eyes and opened them and it didn't sting at all and I have never seen any group of people so happy in my life. It was awesome. It was like when you show a puppy snow, but the puppy is actually a fucking guy with a hemp necklace.
So you were basically in a giant town of weird.
It really was like a big city. I went to the temple and had a big cry. And I am totally happy in my life and never feel like I needed to go to a temple. But that's what is so rad. It's just important to feel human and when I went there I could feel it before I could see it. It's so heavy in the air I've never felt anything like that except for the few times in Berlin when I was at the wall or something. I couldn't even go near it for the first few minutes, but then I did and started reading little shrines they've made and it's so weird because it's so personal and I felt like I was reading someone's diary or a personal love letter.
With Burning Man it's just rad because that is what it's all about, well to me anyways, it's about letting go of that energy, like a shirt you don't wear but you have great memories of wearing it and it just sits in your drawer. Or all of your dad's shirts in a box, or your wedding dress, you know?
And the temple burning is so crazy. People just sit around in silence. Everyone cries. Everyone! Some of my friends brought their mom's ashes. It's just cool to be eating bacon out of your friend's butt and then jumping in foam with strangers and then crying in silence. It's fucking perfect. We were in line for eights hours to leave and we all had a potluck. Everyone pooled their food together and there was a team of people carrying around a buffet table of Ding Dongs and tofu salad and tequila.
I swear everyone did not suck at my camp. Some people were not that sucky. I just forget that my best friend is a stripper and I was raised on an Island.
I got really into this whole not-having-attachment thing. Everyone I met and partied with or had sex with on a segway I just walked away from because, what are going to talk about? I mean do you really want to know what this magical girl covered in gold sparkles wearing a crown of Barbie doll heads is like in real life? Probably not. Just like I don't care about your boring doctor life, or if you financed this whole camp. You can't care about who people are when you are there because it will just ruin the whole thing. That's why I just got upset with that whole LA crew—this is the one place you can truly live and the whole concept is to not have attachment.
Do you have any advice for first time burners?
DO: light a cigarette in your butt then make someone in the crowd take it and smoke it.
DON'T: hand your lighter to the girl with a cigarette in her butt trying to light tequila on fire.
DO: put tootsie rolls in your vagina, forget about them, dance on your head for 4 hours, then have your friend remind you they are in there on the bike ride home, make your friends eat them to prove they are real friends, go back to camp and hook up with an artist that hates you's tour manager, have your friend shout "TASTE THE TOOTSIE ROLLS?!" and him say, "actually yes, I couldn't figure out what it was."
DON'T: play the exact same set two nights in a row and yell on the mic, "Who wants a free Major Lazer bandana!?" Everything is free at Burning Man you douche canoe.
DO: light the free bandana on fire and stare blankly back at them.
DON'T: camp with anyone from LA that isn't Mike B, the crazy idea you had to make a giant bottle out of plastic wrap and PVC pipe and put a massage table in it and have a giant print out of sting's head with a sign that says "MASSAGE IN A BOTTLE" is not actually a crazy idea at all and you totally should have done that. You will get sick of chips and salsa, stop loading up on vodka because you will always want a cold beer. Treat everyone with socks and sandals on like an undercover cop, Ask all people in socks and sandals if they are undercover geologists or just new to being undercover cops. Get a fucking art car and play your own damn music so you don't have to listen to whatever the fuck everyone else is playing. Pour tequila out of your butt, get a real torch and walk passed people with L-wire like you're better than them because you are (you're not, but fire is AWESOME). Make out with as many people as you can because sex is to burning man like drugs are to Shambhala and head dresses are to Coachella.
Ok I am drunk now.
Blondtron is out of her fucking mind. Follow her on Twitter @blondtron