Let's not weigh ourselves down with questions of how or, more importantly, why an Aphex Twin/Taylor Swift (AKA Aphex Swift) mashup album exists. It does, and there's nothing that you, me, or anyone else can do to change that. All we can do now is listen to "Twengerbibbytwo2" and play the cards that we've been dealt in life. With that in mind, lets break down the collected works of artist David Rees—also known as the dude behind the artisanal pencil sharpening business—beat by beat.
1. "T4rouble" ("4" vs. "Trouble")
"T4rouble" starts weak and improves very little throughout its four-minute-and-ten-seconds run-time. Off-key and off-beat, it was hard for me to understand why David Rees would choose to open his album with such a hot mess. Then, for a few brief seconds at 1:13, the unthinkable happened: "T4ouble" sounded kind of okay. It was to become a sign of things to come.
2. "Starlightlicker" ("Windowlicker" vs. "Starlight")
What I'm about to say shocked even me, but "Starlightlicker" is a genuinely good song. Something about it just, just, works. This song is the Hollywood blockbuster movie trailer soundtrack of the future. It will teach people who have never listened to the radio before to dream impossible dreams, and it will teach people who only listen to the radio that progressive house isn't the only tool for pop stars looking to cash in on electronic music.
3. "We Are Never Ever Getting Girl/Boygether" ("Girl/Boy Song" vs. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together")
For once in my life, words have completely and utterly failed me. This song is so bad it doesn't even justify a third sentence.
Actually, it does: don't listen to this song.
4. "To Cure A Weakling McGraw" ("To Cure A Weakling Child" vs. "Tim McGraw")
It's at this point that "AphexSwift" reaches its interlude. "To Cure A Weakling McGraw" will evoke images of crows slipping in puddles while the sun sets and makes perfect background music for any funeral or wake.
5. "Why You Gotta Be So Flim" ("Flim" vs. "Mean")
This is the song that really gives you hope for the world. Everyone from a 13-year old girl at Starbucks to 34-year old man who only leaves his room to buy Kleenex and moisturizer will understand "Why You Gotta Be So Flim." It will help you, you, and even you get over your ex who totally doesn't know what he/she is missing. You're a strong, independent man/woman and one one day--one glorious day--the world will know.
6. "Everything Has Cornmouthed" ("Corn Mouth" vs. "Everything Has Changed")
Fuck this song.
7. "Twengerbibbytwo2" ("Fingerbib" vs. "22")
"Twengerbibbytwo2" is another track that succeeds triumphantly. David Rees finds the perfect balance between both tracks, and the sound of one of pop culture's most iconic voices being supported by whirring synths and stark keys truly hits home.
8. "You Belong With Avril" ("Avril 14th" vs. "You Belong With Me")
This song will make you cry and fall asleep. When you wake up, you will have an erection. Yes, even the girls. I don't know what that means, but I do know that I love this song. You go, T-Swift. I hope you found your man.
Ziad Ramley is on Twitter: @ZiadRamley