Neighborhoods

Wicker Park/Bucktown (AKA The Crotch) Most of the shit mentioned in this guide is sadly located in or around The Crotch. (Hate the game, not the players.) No one in Chicago owns a car, so traveling to exotic lands beyond The Crotch is gonna take some serious forward-thinking and at least two vacation days. There’s actually a park here, but you wouldn’t know it because it’s smothered by Frisbee-playing, dog-walking yuppies all day, and chess-playing, cracked-out bums who gang-rape the Frisbee-playing, dog-walking yuppies all night. Lincoln Park We don’t know anyone rich enough to buy us enough time to know anything about this place.  Logan Square This is kind of like Chicago’s take on Queens: Affordable housing, chilled-out people, and pretty much nothing to do.  Humboldt Park Look out on Puerto Rican Day. Shit is crawlin’ with middle-aged dudes in little more than super-tight cutoff jeans with oversize Puerto Rican flags duct-taped to their cars. And upper bodies. Your ears get used to the nonstop fireworks after about 48 straight hours of noise, but by then, it’s probably being drowned out by gunshots anyway. Oh, wait—that’s every other day of the year. Gold Coast/Rush Street (AKA Viagra Triangle) “With so many upper-middle-aged hot rich chicks, you’ll have to tape your boner down.” (That’s seriously their Chamber of Commerce slogan!) Boystown Self-explanatory, right?  Andersonville See Boystown. Now change the word “Boys” to “Girls.” Cicero Visiting Chicago and can’t afford your trip home? Hit this area, recite anyline from The Sopranos to any guy named Luigi (don’t worry—they all are), and you’ll either wind up marrying his daughter or getting shot. It’s really a win-win situation: Italian girls are babes, and if you get shot, your stupid ass that chose Chicago for a vacation spot is probably better off dead than back in the shittown you hail from.  Wrigleyville Do not—we repeat, do not—come near here on a Chicago Cubs game day. Or ever. Ukrainian Village This place is pretty cool. The rent’s cheap and there are slashies* galore.