The midget and the manatee

There won't be a person in the UK who hasn't heard the story of Alfie Patten, the 13-year-old father. But what a truly gripping and constantly evolving story it is. Every morning the Sun website has some amazing new revelation. This kid is fast becoming the Shannon Matthews of underage sex.

The story so far: first, we find out a 13-year-old boy has fathered a child. Next, it transpires that the cross-eyed 13-year-old looks more like an undernourished 8-year-old. All of this is odd but wholly unremarkable until you scroll down the page of the original story to discover the baby's 15-year-old mother looks like a 40-year-old alien manatee. Then, over the weekend, two more pre-pubescent teens come along to lay claim to the beast's spawn, so the 13-year-old trapped in the body of an 8-year-old is then forced to take a DNA test to prove that he is the father.

The Sun, obviously convinced there is much more to come in this gripping saga, has run the exact same story the past two days so they can keep it in the headlines until some new details emerge.

But what else could possibly happen to make this story any weirder? Will it transpire that the manatee is in fact 40 and the boy who she conceived her baby with is actually her son? Will the baby, with its fucked-up, incest-corrupted genes, start growing uncontrollably at a Dolly the Sheep-esque rate and by the end of the year have out-aged its father? Will Karen Matthews escape from prison and kidnap Alfie, forcing the manatee to hand over her weekly benefits cheque as a ransom?

One thing is for sure: this is gonna make one hell of an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show.