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Fuck Food

When I was in junior high, I stuck a hot dog up my vagina. It broke in half while it was up there.

Photo by Skip McGee

When I was in junior high, I stuck a hot dog up my vagina. It broke in half while it was up there. I almost had a heart attack until it just dropped out when I squatted. You should have seen it hit the bathroom floor. Anyway, I vowed never to stick anything up there again. But that was years ago and like they say, once you stick a hot dog in your vagina, you never go back. To play it safe though, I’ve graduated on to safer foods. Here are the results of some recent test-driving I did. These are listed from best to worst. CARROT: Quite simply the most underrated vegetable in the sex industry. Carrots are like the Jean Naté of getting raunchy: The preteen dildo, good for girls who have just graduated from maxi pad to superslim tampon. Peel carrot and run under warm water for a little while until it’s nice and gentle and sweet and warm and, after you’ve fucked it, you can kiss it and snuggle with it and ask it if it likes rainbows and/or dolphins. CUCUMBER: Cucumber, zucchini, AKA the biggest cock you will ever have inside you. If the carrot is the ultraslim tampon, the cucumber is the jumbo size for heavy-flow days. It’s the Samantha from Sex and the City of sex veggies. I accidentally cut off the narrowest part before I started, so the entry was a bit hardcore. For newbies I suggest the most petite cucumber you can find. It will still be really big, don’t worry. For extra credit, try sticking this baby up your boyfriend’s butt! (If he lets you do it that means he’s a gay.) CORN ON THE COB: Nature’s own ribbed condom. Washing all of these veggies before you use them should go without saying, but don’t be dim and not shuck the corn or peel off any of those hairy things. Make this clean and glistening. Keep it room temp and obviously, narrow end first. This fucker totally gashed me out. GINGER: “Holy shit, what the fuck is coming out of your vagina!?!” This is what a person will say when they accidentally walk in on you trying to masturbate with ginger. This is NOT for amateurs! With all the knobs, bells, and whistles, it might make your G-spot start to drool. If you don’t know where your G-spot is, just ignore this spicy root altogether. EGGPLANT: I realize that our vaginas are big enough for babies to get through, but I don’t think you can actually put babies back in the same way. There is no fucking way this thing is going to fit inside my pussy. I greased it up like crazy and made a valiant effort, but this thing is a fucking football. The eggplant gets an F-. KIKI MOOLER