Hotels

First off, drill this into your head: Las Vegas isn’t cool. The last time it approached anything near cool was at the end of the 50s when folks like Elvis and the Rat Packers started joining in the hotel construction boom and Howard Hughes was running around like a bearded madman trying to rein in five casinos and the remaining slivers of his sanity. By this point, the town has been so drowned in money spent trying to recreate this highwater mark it has become a parody of a pastiche of something someone thought it might have been like.  If you’re going to actually enjoy your stay without losing your mind, you’ll need to come to terms with the fact that anything you can do has been carefully engineered to appeal to the broadest swath of morons possible while draining them of as much dough as possible. Really your best bet is to just resign yourself to the bottommost dregs of your own existence and let it all wash over you like a sleazy, Technicolor waterfall. First though you’ll need a base of operations…

Photo by Bryce Franich

Hard Rock Hotel (4455 Paradise Rd (702)693-5000) Yes, the one with the giant neon guitar where the staff is required to say “How may I rock your world?” anytime they pick up a phone. Why go there? Because it at least tries to appeal to the “young” and “with it,” its willingness to make an effort puts it head and shoulders above everywhere else.

The Palms (4321 W Flamingo Rd (702)942-7777) A great place to blow several hundred bucks a night (as with most of the big places, a rate that doubles over the weekend) if you’re into either staying somewhere that’s hosted The Real World or being surrounded by the type of people who are into staying somewhere that’s hosted The Real World.  Circus Circus (2880 Las Vegas Blvd (702)734-0410) Along with other past-their-prime Strip joints like the Stratosphere and the Stardust, this is one of the better budget options within walking range of the action, provided you don’t mind sharing each elevator ride with about 20 sticky-mouthed kids. Hooters Casino Hotel (115 E Tropicana Ave (702)739-9000) Hey, they already know how to dish out a mean plate of Buffalo wings and run a low-profit airline, how much harder can it be to apply this expertise to the hotel biz? Twenty-four hours in Softcore Titsylvania only costs around $60 bucks a night, which will help you save up for your big night out at their club, Nippers. Alexis Park Resort (375 E Harmon Rd (702)795-3300) This place is right across from the Hard Rock and doesn’t have a casino, which makes it a nice sanctuary to retreat to between bouts of partying. Granted sometimes they don’t have sheets on the bed and the breakfast buffet can be a bit grisly, but just not having to listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers in the elevator at all hours makes it a steal. The 24-hour pools are really conducive to late-night spacefood parties with drunk Canadian ad salesmen.