The Costanza Method: Playing Fantasy Football The Costanza Way, Week 6

As Daily Fantasy Sports' ongoing controversy continues, unabated, Jesse Farrar is on assignment in Texas this week. His assignment is to eat as many of his wife's grandmother's egg rolls as humanly possible, and write about fantasy football stuff when his tummy feels better.

What is the damn deal with people not using the lanes on highways correctly anymore? I don't know exactly when it happened, but clearly at some point, the laws and courtesies that established the left lane as the passing lane were either collectively forgotten or repealed altogether. On the way to Dallas—mostly Interstate 30, a mass of writhing blacktop so contemptible that even roadkill skitters off the shoulder—drivers are passed on the right as frequently and casually as Jerry Jones polishes off a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue. We're all going to the same place, or close enough to it, and maybe if we observe the heretofore universal rules of the road—that is, passing on the left only, and remember that pressing the turn signal stalk will not cause a bunch of snakes to pop out of the dash—we can all get there in one piece.

Not that I'm against breaking any rules, mind you. The whole Costanza Method ethos revolves around scribbling outside the lines a bit. But we're doing it for a reason, in a way that makes sense, by using our minds and brains. This is how we are different from the Texas Deathracers. This is what sets us apart.

On Thursday Night Football, the previously listless Saints kicked a fleur-de-lis shaped hole in the NFC South leading Falcons in a game that was (take a deep breath and prepare for the incoming Footballism) not as close as the score would suggest. The Saints dominated the undefeated Falcons in all phases, even blocking and returning a punt for a TD to crank the unbelievability quotient of the unexpected victory to 11.

Let that be a reminder. No one in the whole world knows what is going to happen in a game before the two teams take the field, and the vast majority of us don't even understand what happened once they leave it. Hubris is the enemy of success, and of $1.2 milion payouts from controversial websites. Don't fall into the trap. Now for some delicious humble pie.

Last Week's Fistpumps and Faceplants

Michael Vick - 13.52 18th QB -

Jay Cutler 18.58 - 13th QB +

Alfred Morris - 1.5pts, 82nd RB ---

Anthony Dixon - 6.9pts, 58th RB --

Brandin Cooks - 24.7pts 19th WR +

Bit of a tough week here for Prof. Costanza here, I won't lie to you. The DraftKings' Millionaire Maker winner averaged over 28 points per position, and it would have been a struggle to achieve that with most of the players on our pick list. However, only three of Chentai15's players were strong chalk plays (Devonta Freeman, Julian Edelman, and Justin Forsett), signaling once again that while our idea was on target, the execution was somewhat less than spectacular. Last week was the IHOP breakfast of picks. Now we just need to pop an antacid and try to get our lives back in order.

Marcus Mariota, QB, Titans - $5,800

According to the DraftKings points-against metrics, the Dolphins (Mariota's Week 6 opponent) are the 12th most difficult draw for quarterbacks to this point in the season. On the other hand, they're an impressive first place in the crucial "What flaming turd of a team just fired their head coach while on British soil" rankings. I think maybe that will tip the scales in Mariota's favor a little bit.

Cam Newton, QB, Panthers - $6,700

I'm still rolling with the theory that a slightly sub-elite player coming off a BYE week will fly under the radar of most tournament players, despite mixed results so far. In addition, the $6,700 price tag on Cam may seem steep against the Seahawks secondary. Even if that secondary that may be running on reputation at this point, they will nevertheless be facing a group of receivers drafted onto the Panthers through that weird mode of NCAA Football where it just made up some college guys from the future and put them in Madden for you. Godspeed Carter Carters, #17, of College University. We'll need you this week.

Peyton Manning, QB, Broncos - $6,600

Manning has been dissected quite a bit recently—and by some of the biggest dopes in the sportswriting game—and I won't rehash it except to say this: this presents an opportunity for Costanzists. Emmanuel Sanders and Demaryius Thomas represent one of the most credible receiver tandems in the league, and I believe Peyton will eventually put things together in a way that outperforms his current draft percentages. After all, the strongest muscle in the human body is the brain, and Manning's is strong enough to overcome the fact that his neck is basically a glued-on slap bracelet at this point.

Arian Foster, RB, Texans - $7,000

This pick is known as the "Hair of the Dog Special." We are going to get Foster right eventually, and this week may as well be the time. His opponent is the typically felicitous Jaguars, who are particularly vulnerable to pass-catching running backs, according to Football Outsiders data. As it happens, Arian Foster has caught a few passes in his time.

Gio Bernard, RB, Bengals - $4,600

Ronnie Hillman, RB, Broncos - $4,600

Unfortunately, these two both find themselves on the more productive/less utilized side of a two-back platoon. It's hard to trust backs that split time, in the same way that it's tough to be married to someone who travels a lot. But you have to believe that, whatever it's like week-to-week, no matter how lonely the house feels when they're gone, regardless if they're texting you back at 1am or not, wait, what was I talking about?

Knile Davis, RB, Chiefs - $4,500

Take a chance that he's established as the guy this Sunday, before his price and ownership levels go way, way up.

Odell Beckham, Jr., WR, Giants - $8,900

The hamstring injury has not significantly discounted Beckham's cost to players, which, at nearly nine grand, is among the lowest for Beckham personally but once again the highest among WRs this week. Still, this high cost is a boon for contrarians, who see value in betting that ODB is taking it easy during practice so that he can take the suspect Eagles defense to task this weekend.

Eric Decker, WR, Jets - $4,900

Anquan Boldin, WR, 49ers - $4,300

Danny Amendola, WR, Patriots - $3,400

I think Amendola stinks. Not as a person, in which capacity I am sure that he is as warm and friendly as he is handsome. (Quite!) Rather, Amendola stinks as someone who is on the lower end of the spectrum of the incredibly gifted and talented elite-of-the-elite athletes that have lives and work ethics that I can hardly fathom. As one of those guys, who exist on a planet of muscles and riches beyond comprehension, he's a bum. But the Patriots are going to absolutely slaughter the Colts, and he will probably score a touchdown in the process.

Julius Thomas, TE, Jaguars - $4,000

George Costanza was a character on the popular television program "Seinfeld," which no doubt comes as a shock to those of you reading this column believing that I was a grandiose man named Costanza, and a crazy person who goes around naming methods after himself. Having never been to New York City myself—although as someone who writes online, I have been told many times, "Brooklyn Hipster! Your beard smells!" which is only half true—"Seinfeld" has always been my mental surrogate for what life in the big city must be like. At that time, it was evidently common to—tell me if I'm not getting this right—be "buzzed in" to individual apartments as a sort of passive security measure against, well, I don't know, something scary.

For the Seinfeld characters, this often meant a split-camera shot of the guest come calling, in the street below, talking or pressing or whathaveyou via intercom at the building's entrance, and the resident doing the same in his or her domicile above. In order to be granted access to the building, you must have received a blessing of some sort, an answer to your prayers. You had to be "called up." To put a tidy bow on this analogy, the players below are knocking on your door. Won't you call them up?

Eli Manning, QB, Giants

Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB, Jets

Blake Bortles, QB, Jaguars

We were not prepared for a universe wherein the Jaguars had a competent starting quarterback, much less one in which the man's name was Blake Freakin' Bortles. Bortles sounds like the latest dance craze sweeping the nation, not a top-10 QB. But he's been decent and the Texans just gave up 27 points to Matt Hasselbeck and the totally inert Colts. Let me see you Bortles, y'all!

Eric Decker, WR, Jets

As always, Football Outsiders advises that you take their highly-specific pass defense statistics with a grain of salt when using them for fantasy purposes, but observe and be amazed by the sheer Eddie Murphy career-like dropoff between the ability of the Washington, DC football team to handle first and second receivers. Washington CB Chris Culliver is also coming off a knee injury, should that influence your decision making at all.

Travis Benjamin, WR, Browns

Experts are continuing to doubt Benjamin who, admittedly does face a terrific pass defense in Denver this week. But he is a reliable source of targets for the Browns QB, whoever the hell it is or ever was. He catches some of those.

Jeremy Maclin, WR, Chiefs

Considering the quagmire of an offense in which he's stuck, there's a decent argument to be made that Maclin has been the most productive receiver of the year. I don't believe, as those ranking Maclin in the teens among WRs seem to, that he is a matchup-dependent play. He broke Alex Smith's No TD's To Receivers streak, for God's sake! He can do anything.

Sammy Watkins, WR, Bills

LeGarrette Blount, RB, Patriots

LeSean McCoy, RB, Bills

At press time, McCoy was considered "Probable." This is enough, in my opinion, to justify starting him at a time when the trade offers for him in your league have gone from improbable to insulting. Would you like receive the rights to Travis Henryand's yo-yo tricks manual for one of the most dynamic running backs of this generation? No, I would not. I would like to see him run roughshod all over the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday, however.

Richard Rodgers, TE, Packers

The Rodgers-to-Rodgers connection, which has been good for 19 grabs and two scores on the year, seems like something Berman would say during halftime. I don't like it either, but it is.