Hating The Way We Dress

A lot of fashion people have a super-strong love and hate reflex. We fall in love with everyone, all of the time - that's what keeps us so fascinated by people, their looks, and their endless ways with eyeliner and sartorial micro-references worn solely for the benefit of people who also get that we're referencing page 126 of i-D March 2004. Then there's the dark, quick to judge, cruelly dismissive side of the fashion brain. This will pick up on something like a white belt and decide the wearer is a reactionary fool, a human portal into a vortex of boredom, mediocrity and petty prejudice, fraternizing with whom could lock you into an existence where your feet might make moves but your heart never dances, and living becomes something other people do.

Since most of this was written by a depressed VICE staffer who was moaning about everything, it's all put-downs. We figured venting some of this negative energy might clear his writer's block, so don't go expecting this piece to be balanced or even particularly logical, it's mostly focused on tearing apart the way we and the people we know dress.

OXFORD SHIRTS

All of a sudden everyone is wearing shirts intended for office droids and rugby players trying to bang a royal, but how did these things get popular? Same with everything else on the list, I assume - one dude wore it enough and all streetwear guys went "DUHHHHH" et voila, we have a load of guys in their 20s looking like they are minus a mortgage, a real alcohol problem, a genuine affair, and the stale scent of cigars. I guess this trend put an end to all the plaid shirts, though, which can't be bad.

DESERT BOOTS

Ah, the new boat shoe, how I loathe thee. I can remember making a pair of these at college back in 98 and when I got them back after they'd been marked I almost threw them in the bin. But, hard work hard gone into them and as it was the first pair of shoes I'd made and had spent a bit of dollar on the materials, I decided they would make a nice gift for my old man. He loved them and so he should–he is old. Why anyone who is not old or Jamaican would want wear these is beyond me. They look stupid. Especially combined with the next hate… Ditto for brogues, which are for alcoholics who want to appear to be 'gentlemanly', but nowadays are worn mainly by pretentious indie dickheads and other clueless wankers who want to "look" simultaneously fashion and beyond fashion.

ROLLED-UP TROUSERS AKA THE NEW PINROLL

What the fuck is this all about? Are you flossing your fucking socks or something? Man, novelty socks are fucking lame. Abba territory. But back to this new ankle-freezing craze. When I was younger the absolute WORST THING you could ever rock were jeans that didn't quite make it to your footwear. It was just so cussable and guess what, it still is! You look like a stupid fucking child about to go paddling and you don't want to get your little trousies all wet, you little fucking pussy.

CHINOS

Sorry, but if you are under the age of 50 and not a golfer, there is only one type of guy that can pull these off–the LA gangbanger. Sure, you think you are a badman swanning around Brick Lane with your uniformed chums on your My Little Pony-themed fixed gear bikes and your limited edition Supreme cap, but let me assure you, you are not. You look like you shit yourself at a family function and had to borrow daddy's chinos and all the family laughed drunkenly at the spectacle but inside you cried because you just want to be loved.

BRIXTON HEISTS

I've been looking at this neon tea cosy thing tilted back at some weird fringe-showing angle for a while now. Is your head cold? Then why don't you wear it properly? Oh, it's not cold? Then don't wear the satsuma orange woolly hat on top of your gay little expensive haircut. What season is it where you need to wear shades and a woolly hat? Dickhead season is what. Again, you look like a fucking child whose mother is worried sick about their little Gary's body temperature. You are not a sailor, nor have you ever been at sea either, don't use 'my dad was a marine' or some shit, because nobody cares. Nor are you going on the piste either, you mug.

BROWLINE GLASSES

Lame. It is 2011, there is a reason contact lenses were invented.

90S RAP SHIRTS

Great, we're so happy you like Tupac. So overjoyed, in fact, we will never need to listen to him again, thanks for that. Why do people have to wait fifteen years before wearing a shirt, don't you or any of your friends know what Waka Floka Flame looks like? Anything a decade or two decades old is always considered "cool," or has been at least since Malcolm McLaren made a living selling rock 'n' roll memorabilia in the early 70s. You only have to witness the way people act when they're drunk to realize the masses are mostly in denial regression therapy junkies. Wearing a 90s rap t-shirt is just further proof you're scared of real life, which is that totally unpredictable thing happening all around you right now.

ESPADRILLES

Okay, first thing's first when tackling these prehistoric 'shoes'– cleanliness. They are ALWAYS dirtier than Pete Doherty's underwear after a 13-day bender. Would you wear your t-shirt if it was that dirty? No, of course you wouldn't. Secondly, all guys wearing these are giving off serious trans vibes. You might think you're being all chic and yacht-rock like some British band visiting an island paradise at some point between 1970 and 1984. When in actual fact, unless your legs are pretty much two right-angled sticks, they make you look like your mom.

FEMALES ARE LAME TOO

MULTI-COLORED DIP-DYED HAIR

This too-poor-to-renew recession trend's got so, so old so, so quick. I get the whole blonde at the end, dark at the roots thing—it looks pretty hot on some girls—which is a welcome change from the other self-destructive trends that seem to have caught on in the last few years. However, when you get into pink, blue, yellow, orange or green territory, it becomes glaringly obvious that you do little else with your days other than trawl through tumblrs developing a fetish for the hair of strangers. I don't think I need to tell you how lame that is.

PALE SKIN AND BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK COMBO

Okay, we get it, you're going for the washed-out, Courtney Love circa her crippling addictions look, and well done, you've nailed it! Quite how you haven't realized that you look like a child who's got into their mum's make-up collection is completely beyond us, though. Also, as far as I can tell from seeing those endless adverts about matching your make-up to your skin tone, bright red lipstick shouldn't be worn by people who look like they've never seen the sun. I know you think this look makes you look glamorous, edgy, and debauched all at the same time, but you're wrong. In reality you look ill and slightly mental.

PLATFORMS

Much like Spice Girls t-shirts, platforms stink of misplaced nostalgia for something that was never even good in the first place. Face it - rocking platforms makes you look like a clown with a height complex and we're yet to see someone walk in these things without looking like a complete and utter tool. The whole platform craze gets even worse when you introduce creepers to the mix. Creepers are fine if you're going for a goth, punk, or psychobilly look and they actually work within the outfit you've got on, but pairing them with black maxi skirts, studded denim jackets, and a Topshop Guns n' Roses t-shirt is just wrong.