Explaining Football Songs to the Yanks

You lot over the pond don't really do campaign songs, do you? Sure, you might have a coiffured Democratic candidate pumping his fist to "Born In The USA" at a New Hampshire primary, or his Republican rival kissing babies to "Sweet Home Alabama," but you don't write songs specifically for campaigns. You just sort of steal ones that are already in existence.

In the depraved old world of Europe on the other hand, it's somewhat of an art-form. And many of the medium's finest examples are inspired by one of our exports that you seem least interested in—football. And when I talk about football songs, I don't mean whooping and hollering along to Gary Glitter songs at Giants games, I mean music explicitly about football tournaments.

Instead of trying to make you love the beautiful game through a carefully weighed-up and persuasive argument, I thought I'd try to explain it through the medium of music. Music about football.

New Order - "World In Motion"

That's right, one of England's hippest bands and most credible musical exports wrote a novelty track for the 1990 Italian World Cup campaign. The forefathers of the Manchester rave scene performed a patriotic song with some athletes. Try and get your baseball capped heads around that.

Imagine LCD Soundsystem doing a song for the Superbowl with Tim Tebow on vox, that's what it was like watching John Barnes standing where Ian Curtis used to be.

The video also features an appearance from actor/professional drunk person Keith Allen, a man who's kind of the Brian Eno of the genre, a creative sorcerer who sprinkles his little-understood magic on all of football music's finest moments.

Del Amitri - "Don't Come Home Too Soon"

In terms of the British Isles, it's not just the English who do World Cup songs. The Scots have also given it a bash with a mournful dignity typical of their national identity. In terms of rallying sporting cries, "just don't come home too soon" might not be "we are the champions," but what it lacks in gusto, it makes up for in ennui. Three minutes of defeatist glory have never summed up a nation better.

Fat Les - "Vindaloo"

Not just one of the most unusual World Cup songs, but probably one of the strangest pieces of music ever recorded. The fact it's essentially just a marching drum band, a children's choir, a bassline that sounds like a fat child making a fart sound and some nonsense lyrics makes it the most anthemic track ever to emerge from the musical avant-garde. When La Monte Young writes a chorus as good as this, maybe he can step to Keith Allen, whose fat, Midas fingers are all over this once again.

The Irish Squad - "Put 'Em Under Pressure"

If there's one thing Americans love, it's bringing up whatever tenuous Irish heritage they may have whenever it suits them (I'll refrain from judging this, as I've been known to be guilty of it myself, usually while watching The Departed or election results coverage), so this could be the tune that gets you guys into the game. The song was actually recorded by the Irish team themselves, proving that footballers don't just do guest appearances like T-Pain, they can be artists in their own right like Lil B. It's a rousing tune for sure, but the production lets it down a bit, managing to sound like a bad YouTube rip even on record. Jack Charlton's Jamie Stewart-esque spoken word bit drags it back from the brink.

Dario G - "Carnival De Paris"

The theme tune to World Cup 1998 is precisely the kind of thing you Yankee isolationists will never understand, it's the sound of the rest of the world, baby; the global beat that unites the rest of us in one dance under the sun. Just listening to this song I can hear everything that you fear about us; garlic, steel drums, body-paint and Catholicism. Hell, there's even bagpipes, which not even the Scottish understand. But despite their all-encompassing, pan-continental identity, Dario G were in fact from the not very exotic English town of Crewe (basically it's like Manchester, with nothing that makes Manchester worth going to). The rest of the world might have usurped us in footballing terms, but nobody will ever beat us when it comes to channelling ethnic rythyms into European radio-friendly anthems.

Still not convinced by these five musical masterpieces? Well I don't really know what to say. Go and watch some silly sport where you have to wear a helmet to play it in the park. Maybe our continent's pan-national sport just isn't for you, with its nil-nil draws and free-flowing play. And maybe your sports aren't for us, as anybody who saw the Fulham Football Club's ill-advised cheerleading troupe "The Craveonettes" will tell you.

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