Recapping CPAC Through Christian Rock

The following is the track listing of the Christian rock band Madison Rising’s CD that was handed to us while we were trying not to fall asleep at the “Engaging America Through Conservative Pop Culture” panel at CPAC, the annual gathering of conservative activists in the Marriott Wardman Park nestled in a tiny neighborhood of Washington, DC. It was the last day of the annual carnival-like gathering of political activists; not unlike many assigned to cover the event, we were nursing a headache and had yet to get over the initial confusion upon arriving. It goes a little something like this: “Jesus, there are a lot of people here. Where do we go now? This hotel is huge. This hotel is huge and I still can’t find the ballroom. I still can’t find the right ballroom…oh, hey there’s our friend at the bar.”

The names of the songs cover everything you need to know about CPAC. Listening along is not required and definitely not recommended if you are not a journalist who covers conservatives:

“Right to Bear” 
Naturally, the second amendment was very well represented at the conference and attendees received free NRA memberships and logoed merchandise. In the cavernous exhibition hall, there were pink tank tops proclaiming “I Don’t Dial 9-1-1” over an image of a gun.

“Soldiers of America”
Oh, this one’s easy! We would like to thank our men and women in uniform. Especially the women who deal with all of those EMOTIONS and somehow manage to not freak out their fellow service members when it’s that time of month. Or as potential Republican nominee Rick Santorum put it: “I do have concerns about women in frontline combat. I think that can be a very compromising situation where people may do things that may not be in the interests of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved.”

“Rally the Youth”
A commonly repeated phrase at CPAC this year was just how many young people were there. And by young people we mean our future corporate overlords and their trophy wives. The gentlemen wore oversized, ill-fitting blazers and loafers. Ladies chose different variations of the Ann Coulter, which is any too-tight, above the knee (!) skirt, button up shirt, and uncomfortable-looking high heels.

“Honk If You Want Peace”
CPAC was Occupied several times: On the second day a large group who appeared to be mostly union workers rallied outside and at one point tried to march to the front door of the Marriott. It was exactly what you’d expect: We are the 99%” + drumming x police intervention = Occupy_______. At one point media and CPAC attendees were forced to go back inside the conference and a cop told the gathered crowd to “Be smart conservatives. Don’t get arrested.” The five Ron Paul supporters in all of CPAC happened to be outside at this time and muttered something about civil liberties and did nothing. A cop threatened to arrest Gorman twice for taking photos too close to the protest and told her that he would “make sure that you’re the first to be arrested.” Naturally, he asked her out for a drink after because who doesn’t get turned on by having their First Amendment rights threatened? Although the Occupiers were credentialed to attend the event and were completely silent (they had 99 percent stickers over their mouths), their mere presence was considered unacceptable and insulting. After being berated to “get a job,” and of course “take a shower,” security tossed them out to loud cheering and applause. Finally, Sarah Palin was “mic checked” which was mostly hilarious because the crowd responded with the tried and true “USA! USA!” chant. Works every time, no matter the occasion!

“Walking Through That Door”
To the bar, which in this case was Harry’s Pub located in the lobby of the Marriott. CPAC is clearly an excuse for day-drinking for some people; the bar was consistently packed and the staff seemingly overwhelmed. A fellow journalist confessed that he, like many, had been hungover for days, “How can you not drink when you’re covering CPAC?” he said.

“American Dream”
Don’t have sex, go to college, get married, only have sex to have babies, own a home. BONUS for men: Get a job at a corporation, take 1.5 vacations a year, have a Roth IRA and a 401K and a blind trust, retire, get a divorce, remarry, get another divorce, remarry, die. BONUS for women: Have some babies, homeschool them, watch a bunch of television, maybe have an aboveground pool, I don’t know, doesn’t matter.

“Hallowed Ground”
Google “dominionism.”

“Where Was The Media Then”
The media at CPAC was categorized into two different categories: traditional media who had open access throughout the event and nontraditional media (e.g., your uncle who contributes to a blog about the Tea Party and us) who were not even let into Blogger’s Row or up on the risers in the main ballroom.

“Before The Hyphens Came”
This is a tough one. We weren’t quite sure what Madison Rising was implying, but according to their lyrics: “Someone had a great idea to divide us up by heritage/ And profit from that fear/ But growing up a while back/ Before these racial trends/ Whether immigrant, or white or black/ We just called each other friends/ And if we spoke an extra language/ It was just another way/ To pledge allegiance to the flag/ God bless the USA!” So, you know, there’s that.

“In The Days That Reagan Ruled”
Every speech made by a potential Republican nominee was basically “Reagan Reagan Reagan, Reagan Reagan. God bless America. Additionally: tax cuts.” America’s favorite film production company, Citizens United, showed a film called Ronald Reagan: Rendezvous with Destiny hosted by America’s favorite rocket scientist and his wax figure wife, Newt and Callista Gingrich. Reagan’s image seemed to be around every corner, from awkwardly positioned life sized cut outs in the exhibit hall to huge posters overlooking the escalators.

Oh and Mitt Romney “won” this thing, which is apparently “important.” Or maybe not, because Al Cardenas, CPAC’s head honcho and leader of the American Conservative Union, told a reporter at MailOnline during the festivities that the turmoil in the party to lock in the nomination thus far may lead to a brokered Republican National Convention during which Jeb Bush, former Florida governor, would emerge as a "possible alternative" nominee. See you there!

If you're brave enough to actually want to check out Madison Rising, watch their hilarious yet cringe-inducing promo video below: