50 Cent is kind of like the Pope in that people depend on him to do stuff, and also he is anointed by a team of bishops or something. If you take a little trip down Wikipedia Lane, you’ll discover that 50 Cent has written over one million books. In addition to his intensely capitalist, Machiavellian tome The 50th Law, he is the author of such Literature Nuggets as Ski Mask Way, which is a book about a drug dealer who becomes the greatest drug dealer ever (or something), and Playground, which is a book about bullying. However, the greatest book 50 Cent has ever authored is one called DEATH BEFORE DiSHONOR, which you can see above.Look at the cover. Just look at it. It’s full of mystery. Who is that mysterious, non-50-Cent-looking man? Whose legs are those, and is the person that they belong to also mysterious? The bottom of the cover points out that 50 Cent is a NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR, which is probably true. He co-wrote it with Nikki Turner, who is the human word machine known as the “Queen of Hip-Hop Fiction.” I am jealous of her. I want her job. Let’s plunder this book, because it is full of Word Treasure.DEATH BEFORE DiSHONOR is about a dude named Trill Johnson, who is a heroic criminal with a gigantic penis. It’s, like, the biggest penis ever. Just ask page 38, featuring an appearance by Trill’s johnson:She unbuckled his pants and his dick popped out of his boxers. It wasn’t that it was so thick, but it was so long his last name should have been Longstockings.Erotic! Trill Longstockings’ (né Johnson) penis rears its head many times in DEATH BEFORE DiSHONOR, until it feels like this is a book about penises and not a book about Trill Johnson running around and doing crimes and killing people and stuff. Have you ever seen the movie Belly? It’s got DMX and Nas in it, it’s directed by Hype Williams, and it’s, like, the prettiest movie ever. But it makes no goddamn sense. DEATH BEFORE DiSHONOR is like that movie, but in book form. Both Belly and this book make me remember that gangster rap is really homoerotic sometimes.It’s not that 50 Cent (and Nikki Turner) is a bad writer, it’s just that DEATH BEFORE DiSHONOR is basically one long 50 Cent song, and life is too short to read a 194-page 50 Cent song, even if it’s double-spaced and has the type of margins that college kids who need to squeeze a couple extra pages out of their research paper use.This book ends with Trill Bigpenis maybe dying and also threatening to kill his one-legged ex-girlfriend. There, now you don’t have to read it. In closing, I would like to say this to DEATH BEFORE DiSHONOR:What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.@drewmillard
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