This story is over 5 years old.


The Trump Guide to Punishing Women for Abortion

Earlier today, GOP frontrunner Donald Trump said that women who get abortions should face "punishment." We had to wonder: How does one appropriately punish an abortion-minded woman?
Photo via Flickr user gageskidmore

Has your wife, girlfriend, sister, aunt, grandmother, or female cousin gotten an abortion? Is she considering one now? Does she ignore your entreaties that life begins at conception? Did she refuse to listen when you explained the concept of "fetal pain"?

Each one of these scenarios—ranging from the unfortunately predictable to the subordinate—is not desirable. Yet many people who interact with women do not know how to effectively discipline them when such situations occur. There's a right way and a wrong way to punish a woman who has elected to have a tiny life ripped from her womb following an unplanned pregnancy; remember, as Donald Trump says, she is but a "victim" of malicious abortion providers—she can't be expected to make the right choices on her own! Ultimately, you'll need to teach your woman to exhibit "decent" behavior—not simply punish her for her past indiscretions. In order to accomplish any of these goals, you'll need to understand why she made the choices she did and then train her to behave properly.


Assess the causes of her abortion

Unplanned pregnancies have many different outcomes, but they only come from one thing: sex. Remember that your woman makes all of her choices out of her own self-interest—otherwise, she wouldn't be getting all these abortions, now would she? What is your woman getting in return for her wanton sexual behavior? Is the amount of time she spends exercising, eating, or locked up in a kennel or cage causing her to turn to Planned Parenthood for support? After establishing what is causing your woman to act in such a way, you'll better understand how to change her behavior for the better.

Examine your own behavior

Is your attention, good or bad, encouraging your woman get an abortion? Did you respond your woman's unplanned pregnancy with anger or concern? Maybe this is exactly what your woman wants from you. Even angry attention is attention—your woman craves to be noticed and be part of your life, so she acts out by wearing revealing clothing and making sexual advances that lead to unplanned pregnancy. If you only notice or pay attention when your woman is in a reproductive health crisis, you are responsible for "encouraging" her to get an abortion.

Read more: Ted Cruz Is Losing Because He Can't Smile with His Eyes

Look at your woman's environment

Is there something almost "irresistible" in your woman's home or work life that is driving her to abort her fetuses? Does she work for a feminist website? Has she changed her Twitter avatar to incorporate the Planned Parenthood logo? Does she already have a sufficient number of children and not desire more? Does she live in America, where abortion is constitutionally legal? This might take some detective work, or it may be incredibly obvious! Check your woman's Internet history. Is she reading a lot of liberal media? Set your woman up for success. Eliminate these triggers from her environment. When she attempts to access abortion providers' websites, squirt her with a small water gun so she learns to avoid them.

No hitting!

If you have punished your woman more than three times for getting an abortion, it's clear that your punishment is not working. Punishing your woman the wrong way will damage your relationship with her and possibly make the problem worse; she might become wayward, move to the Netherlands, and access abortion after abortion, just to spite you. While it is important to establish that getting an abortion is wrong, a punishment does not have to be physical. Find alternatives that don't injure or scare your woman; do not shake coffee cans full of loose change at her, smack her on the nose with a newspaper (you can't trust them anyway), or rub her nose in the aborted uterine lining. Tactics like these foster vicious, scared lesbians, not lovable, huggable women. (Besides, they're bad for the little babies growing inside them!) If you find your woman googling abortion clinics, do not grab her arm and pull her from the mouse; instead, simply say, "No," in a firm but calm tone. If she continues to seek out abortion care, give your woman a toy that she likes, such as a selfie stick, that she can play with for more than an hour. This will divert her from the abortion providers' websites and allow you to establish a positive, friendly connection with her. It is important that your woman trusts you.

When she attempts to access abortion providers' websites, squirt her with a small water gun.


Consider the taser

Many people training their women have considered electric collars, controlled by a remote, that can be set off when your woman is about to have unprotected sex. Wrong! While taser training is effective in preventing women from having sex, it also fosters a negative bond between you and your woman. Besides, you don't want her to become fearful of sex, do you? Kind of counterintuitive.

Clicker training is a better method: It allows you to deliver immediate praise with the help of a clicker. (Hence the name!) Women are fast learners, and you can click faster than you can give her a treat or pet her head.

How it works is easy: When your woman gets pregnant, click the clicker device; wait a moment, looking your woman directly in the eye, and then offer her a treat, such as a low-calorie nutrition bar. Your woman will associate the clicking sound with the treat and be more likely to keep her baby. Better yet—she'll think it was her idea all along.

But remember: Pregnancy is nine months long. Continue offering your woman positive reinforcement throughout her womb's journey, to make sure she does not return to old habits. If she makes it through the first trimester, give her a pair of quality stretch pants, or prenatal vitamins. If she makes it to 20 weeks, offer to show her an ultrasound photo of the baby inside her. At the end of the second trimester, buy her diapers. Do not give her formula; breastfeeding is critical to the health of an infant, and this will send a confusing message.

Read more: I Wish I Could Be as Openly Sad as Jeb Bush

Understand the limits of punishment

Some women who get abortions can be taught that they are wrong. Others, whether because of bad breeding, previous training, or simple personality flaws, are stubborn and "educated" about their "rights." Don't get discouraged. If you have followed the tips above and your woman still accesses abortion care, there is not much you can do. Put your woman in the car. Tell her you're taking her on a trip to a nice farm, way out in the country, away from the cramped, noisy city. Your woman might get scared, but you should remain calm. Tell her she'll have room to play, with lots of other women who have had abortions, and be very, very happy.

This piece is indebted to the Wikihow article "How to Stop a Dog's Unwanted Behavior."