The Atlanta Braves Are Not Even Trying with Their Frankenstein Food Creations

There is your picture of the full burgerizza pic.twitter.com/C2OqvPsKa3
— Braves Reddit (@BravesReddit) March 22, 2016

Would you look at this thing the Braves did to the world? I mean, they really went ahead and stuck a bacon cheeseburger—not even a regular old burger or cheeseburger, but a goddamned bacon cheeseburger—between two pizzas. And not just any pizza, because when you are trying to up the viscosity of your fans' blood, you go for broke and throw some pepperoni on there. A bacon cheeseburger on a pepperoni pizza bun. Think of the pepperoni like sesame seeds, only deadlier. I think there might be some other fried food or cheese doodles or something on top of that pizza, too. Which sounds implausible, but contextually it is all but probable.

They also have something called The Everything Dog, which features a hot dog sitting in a bun like a coffin in a grave after funeral goers have ceremonially covered the casket in dirt. Except the dirt is shit like nachos and popcorn. You sort of have to respect the complete lack of any kind of enterprise or creativity that results in improving on the delicious hot dog by putting stale popcorn on it.

T.E.D "the everything dog" pic.twitter.com/8hN5LNxhgP
— Braves Reddit (@BravesReddit) March 22, 2016

Teams have been doing this for years, but usually it falls under the umbrella of "bigger is better." The Rangers, for example, sell a hot dog the size of a middle schooler. The Braves on the other hand, just went full Mad Libs with their food options, just jamming up [noun for shit people like] with [noun for shit people like] and [adverb for being lazy as all get out] and birthing something like Burgerizza. Or this, which must have been the last idea in the room:

Fritos or Doritos topped with chili and cheese. pic.twitter.com/evzqJtrvTe
— Braves Reddit (@BravesReddit) March 22, 2016

Ad Wizard 1: We've got one more spot open on the menu. Any ideas?

Ad Wizard 2: Sausage and Peppers.

Timid Intern Ad Wizard: What if we opened up a bag of Doritos and…and dumped some shit on it?

Boss Ad Wizard: [to Intern] You just earned yourself a full time job. [To Ad Wizard 2] Pack your things, you're finished here.

Ad Wizard 2: Sausage and Peppers with the dust from an empty canister of Pringles!

Boss Ad Wizard: Too late. Get out of my sight.