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Rob Ford Is Going to Rehab, but He'll Be Back

Nothing, not even being caught with crack AGAIN, can keep Toronto's mayor down.
May 2, 2014, 3:40pm

Photo via the Globe and Mail

Last night, the Globe and Mail sent the internet into a frenzy with a heavily watermarked screenshot of Rob Ford holding a pipe. It seems as if Robbie was kicking it in his sister’s basement with someone resembling his buddy Sandro “Bedbugs in a Vial in Case You Fuck with Me” Lisi, as well as an unnamed drug dealer, who was presumably the one clandestinely filming him.

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This dealer has been trying to sell the tape to various media outlets (VICE has not been contacted), which we know because Gawker also got a sliver of the #CrackTape2 action, after they explained in a cranky blog post how they weren’t able to capitalize on the tape before the Globe spent $10,000 on a screenshot of Toronto’s mayor holding a pipe.

Robyn Doolittle and Greg McArthur broke the story for the Globe, which obviously could not have gone over well in the Toronto Star’s newsroom, which had recently seen Robyn Doolittle—the reporter who helped bring the Rob Ford crack cocaine scandal to light—change jobs. In response, the Star ran a story last night about Justin Bieber punking Rob Ford while he was allegedly high on coke at a mega-nightclub called Muzik, near the Toronto waterfront. The Star also ran with a screenshot of Gawker on their front page instead of giving credit to the Globe.

Oh, and the Toronto Sun posted an audio recording of Rob Ford saying nasty things about Toronto mayoral candidate Karen Stintz—namely that he wants to “jam” her, which is either code for sweaty sex or some kind of fetish maneuver using a strawberry breakfast spread. Either way, Stintz has responded by saying that Rob Ford’s comments were “gross” and that she hopes "he gets the help he needs."

So in the scope of an hour or two, we saw evidence of a new crack video, read news that Justin Bieber had shamed Ford in a nightclub, and heard brand-new audio of Robbie saying some greezy shit. Now the mayor has stepped down and claims that he is on his way to rehab. Ford was pictured with a suitcase on the way out of his home yesterday morning, and took off in a car that had an envelope marked with the Passport Canada Ottawa address on it, as spotted by CityNews.

Photo via CityNews

This could mean one of two things: Ford is off to rehab in a foreign country, or Ford is just running away. Either way, I can’t imagine that this is the last we’ll see of Robbie. This is a man who has been fired from his job once already, weathered the storm of #CrackTape1 somewhat sturdily, and embarrassed himself on national television after Jimmy Kimmel wiped his sweaty brow and made him play late-night parlor games.

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Evidently, the spin machine is in full effect. Rob Ford is an addict. Rob Ford needs help. Rob Ford is going to rehab. And Rob Ford will be back to prove to Ford Nation that he is the best damn mayor that ever (allegedly) smoked crack twice on camera and got sued for allegedly orchestrating a violent beat-down of his sister’s ex-boyfriend in prison.

This narrative is understandably not acceptable for many Torontonians, who are calling for the mayor’s resignation. But as we have learned time and time again, Ford is not one to back down from a major scandal. And judging by Rob Ford’s latest tweet, his office is currently looking to fill a junior position that pays $30,000 a year—so get those résumés ready, friends!

Unfortunately, Toronto’s councillors and journalists, and various other naysayers who dislike Fordtopia, can continue to berate the mayor and call for his resignation, but unless this guy gets charged with a crime and forcibly removed from office, I’m not convinced that he will leave. Even after this latest crack clusterfuck, Rob can easily go to rehab, take a break, come back, tell everyone that everything is fine, and wait for this next crack video to come out.

If you think that’s an unrealistic view of a man who is quite clearly out of control, then you probably haven’t been following this story for very long. The rule of Rob Ford is that things will always get crazier, and there’s nothing more ridiculous than attempting to stay mayor after you get caught smoking some kind of crack-like drug on camera —twice.

Follow Patrick McGuire on Twitter.