So you're back off work since your longest holiday in fifteen years. While you've been drunkenly wrapping presents and arguing with your lover as the clock struck 2009, the world has moved on. But don't worry, we're here to help you make sure that your colleagues don't guess that you've been choosing to watch The Mighty Ducks trilogy over the news for the last ten days. So, what's the big back-at-work talking point? Well they've finally gone and done it, in one week, Gaza has been transformed into a softly smouldering pile of rubble, and it's not even insured. But try not to panic, try to focus on what's really important, namely, what you're going to say to sound super-knowledgeable about the Middle Eastern situation round that mythical 'watercooler' today.The Middle East = Complicated
Firstly, remember that the moral positions of both sides are extremely confusing. It's a bit like trying to work out who's 'right and wrong' on Eastenders – there are important life lessons everywhere, but the realities of life in Albert Square keep getting in the way of an easy resolution. This, after all, is a conflict that can be read from multiple points of view, depending on one's allegiances. Most will offer an analogy to support their ideals (Gaza = Apartheid South Africa, etc). The key positions are summarised below.Contrasting viewpoints
Pro-Palestinian
Israel is like Joseph Fritzl, and Palestine is his good lady wife.
Pro-Israeli
Palestine is like Jeremy Beadle, and Israel are The Unsuspecting Public.
Neutral
Israel is Sonny Bono. Palestine is Cher.The Stakeholders
Israel
Founded in 1948, Israel used to be called Palestine, which may account for much of the present confusion. Zionism is a philosophy that actually predates its two cousins, Ironism and Lionism, and refers to Jewish self-determination. Mostly, self-determination means the freedom of all Israelis to live peacefully at the epicentre of the world's most violent region amidst neighbours who hate their guts.Hamas
On the camp comic scale of Palestinian factions, Hamas are like The Graham Norton Show as compared to the PLO's Paul O'Grady Show. More dangerous, more 'edgy', less the sort of thing you'd take home to your mum. If you do ever take Hamas home to meet your mum, be prepared for a few raised eyebrows:Simulation
You: Mother, I've joined an international freedom-fighting contingent. Our sworn aim is to obliterate the state of Israel. Cool, huh?
Mum: Yes dear. But is this like when you joined the anti-vivisectionists last month? You know, I've still not had a chance to re-bury your grandfather since you dug him up. I know they say charity begins at home, but it also just looks like laziness to start a campaign of intimidation with your own flesh and blood.
You: Quit your moaning. More cake Mahmoud?Everything you ever wanted to know about the crucible of Middle Eastern Politics but were too high to ask
Q: Is the West Bank now going to need 'recapitalisation' like all the other banks?
A: Probably, yes.Q: What are the chief economic activities of the West Bank?
A: Package holidays for Kosovans, Sudanese and Chechnyans. Abu's Easy-Burn Israeli Flag Factory.Q: What's the future of the Oslo Accord now?
A: To be recycled and used to make egg boxes.Q: How can I get Hamas's home phone number?
A: Dial the operator in the West Bank and ask to speak to Fatima.Q: I've heard a rumour that Godzilla may be masterminding the conflict as a sort of 'divide and conquer' strategy. Is this consistent with his previous actions?
A: Yes. Many still suspect Godzilla was playing both sides during the Lebanese War. The reptilian killing machine has certainly been attempting to diversify from his Tokyo operations in recent times.Q: Who's right and who's wrong?
A: Depends.GAVIN HAYNES
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Firstly, remember that the moral positions of both sides are extremely confusing. It's a bit like trying to work out who's 'right and wrong' on Eastenders – there are important life lessons everywhere, but the realities of life in Albert Square keep getting in the way of an easy resolution. This, after all, is a conflict that can be read from multiple points of view, depending on one's allegiances. Most will offer an analogy to support their ideals (Gaza = Apartheid South Africa, etc). The key positions are summarised below.Contrasting viewpoints
Pro-Palestinian
Israel is like Joseph Fritzl, and Palestine is his good lady wife.
Pro-Israeli
Palestine is like Jeremy Beadle, and Israel are The Unsuspecting Public.
Neutral
Israel is Sonny Bono. Palestine is Cher.The Stakeholders
Israel
Founded in 1948, Israel used to be called Palestine, which may account for much of the present confusion. Zionism is a philosophy that actually predates its two cousins, Ironism and Lionism, and refers to Jewish self-determination. Mostly, self-determination means the freedom of all Israelis to live peacefully at the epicentre of the world's most violent region amidst neighbours who hate their guts.Hamas
On the camp comic scale of Palestinian factions, Hamas are like The Graham Norton Show as compared to the PLO's Paul O'Grady Show. More dangerous, more 'edgy', less the sort of thing you'd take home to your mum. If you do ever take Hamas home to meet your mum, be prepared for a few raised eyebrows:
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You: Mother, I've joined an international freedom-fighting contingent. Our sworn aim is to obliterate the state of Israel. Cool, huh?
Mum: Yes dear. But is this like when you joined the anti-vivisectionists last month? You know, I've still not had a chance to re-bury your grandfather since you dug him up. I know they say charity begins at home, but it also just looks like laziness to start a campaign of intimidation with your own flesh and blood.
You: Quit your moaning. More cake Mahmoud?Everything you ever wanted to know about the crucible of Middle Eastern Politics but were too high to ask
Q: Is the West Bank now going to need 'recapitalisation' like all the other banks?
A: Probably, yes.Q: What are the chief economic activities of the West Bank?
A: Package holidays for Kosovans, Sudanese and Chechnyans. Abu's Easy-Burn Israeli Flag Factory.Q: What's the future of the Oslo Accord now?
A: To be recycled and used to make egg boxes.Q: How can I get Hamas's home phone number?
A: Dial the operator in the West Bank and ask to speak to Fatima.Q: I've heard a rumour that Godzilla may be masterminding the conflict as a sort of 'divide and conquer' strategy. Is this consistent with his previous actions?
A: Yes. Many still suspect Godzilla was playing both sides during the Lebanese War. The reptilian killing machine has certainly been attempting to diversify from his Tokyo operations in recent times.Q: Who's right and who's wrong?
A: Depends.GAVIN HAYNES