For as long as people have been boning (which is, for obvious reasons, as long as people have been around), they've been trying to figure out how to bone better—with hornier foreplay and harder, wetter, more engorged bodily parts. And so for millennia, us freaky humans have tried all kinds of (purported) natural aphrodisiacs, from oysters to booze to sea cucumbers and everything else that gets our goblin blood pumping, and there’s nothing we love more than selecting a special treat with horny intentions—although that’s easier said than done. But the efficacy of these love potions has remained dubious, and worse yet, what one partner might find hot, another might find ick (tread deftly, Shrek fans). Even though the old classic red, red wine can make us feel so fine, even zaddy Shakespeare warned us that alcohol “provokes and unprovokes” in the sack.
But it's 2022 now, and our thirst technologies have advanced beyond just slurping down shellfish and hoping for the best. Now, the latest aphrodisiacs on the market rely on scientifically studied compounds, brain-relaxing chemicals, and vibey adaptogens. Thankfully, we’re living through something of a sexy snack renaissance in which you can spike your smoothie with Sex Dust or sip on "arousal" seltzer, and even chocolate, the most iconic of aphrodisiacs, is undergoing a horny makeover.
Folks, meet the chocolate confections of Tabs, a company that makes treats designed to be consumed before sex so you can bone even harder:
We know, we know. Chocolate doesn’t need help being sexy. These beans have been doing the damn the thing for thousands of years, partially because there are two chemicals found in chocolate that occur naturally in human bodies which scientists say encourage arousal: tryptophan (a brain chemical related to arousal) and phenylethylamine (a stimulant). They say Aztec emperor Moctezuma enjoyed some pre-hanky-panky cacao, and who could forget all the delicious bonbons that Juliette Binoche fed Judi Dench in Chocolat?
But Tabs blends a few other historically horny ingredients into the mix, including maca root and DHEA, a hormone produced by your body's adrenal glands, to give their dark chocolate a little more… oomph. The result is a luxury chocolate that is meant to be split with your partner 30 minutes before sex to really get ya both in the mood. The sex chocolates have even gone viral on TikTok, with one video alone from an enthusiastic fan of the stuff ("it works") receiving over 6.4 million views:
Also, side note: They're gorgeous. If we’re going to be presenting our boo with a box of horny, maca-filled sweets, we don’t want them to look like they were harvested by an arcade claw at Rusty’s Pizza Parlor. We’re going to unfurl the black satin sheets, and present them with a svelte, gold-lined box with a little weight to it—and that’s where Tabs fits the bill perfectly. Unboxing these chocolates feels like what we imagine opening the iPhone 17 will feel like, with each of the three choco squares nestled into their own spots. Every piece of chocolate also has a dividing line etched into it so that you and your lover can snap it into two pieces for a little edible foreplay, then just throw on Kenny G, and enjoy some seggsy time.
So… do they actually work? The TikToks are pretty intriguing, and the brand’s reviews are also enlightening. “My fyp know me a bit toooo well,” writes one satisfied customer on Tabs’ site, while others said, “I definitely felt a ‘rush’ a few minutes after taking a tab. [I] was skeptical at first, but safe to say that tabs actually make a difference,” and “My ex got me this and now I’m getting one for my current BF lol.” As for us? Well, we don’t spank and tell—but we’ll be keeping tabs on this treat.
Tabs chocolate is available on Tabschocolate.com
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.