Whose Grave Would You Dance On?

Welcome to Question of the Day, and a lesson in how to respect the dead. 

Anyone unfortunate enough to have found themselves in an altercation with a crazed Scouser, will be familiar with the phrase: "I’ll dance on your grave, lad." Sometimes – if it's a joke amongst friends, or if there's a bouncer in the way – it's hilarious, but in general It's not a nice thing to hear, because it implies that a) your death is imminent, and b) the Scouser will take so much personal gratification from your death, that he or she will be moved to do a jig on the patch of earth and grass that marks your final resting place.

I don't know why I chose a jig over, say, a salsa, or a lambada, or a polka. A jig just seems like the most apt dance to dance on a person's grave.

Anyway, Margaret Thatcher will be dead soon! Stalls outside the recent annual Trade Union Congress in Brighton cashed in on this by selling an array of anti-Thatcher garments. One of them features a gravestone, with Thatcher’s name etched upon it accompanied by the words: “A GENERATION OF TRADE UNIONISTS WILL DANCE ON THATCHER’S GRAVE.” If this is really the case, then the Iron Lady’s wormy abode is going to require planning permission and a post-2AM dancing license. Maybe even a kebab van.

All of which got us thinking, whose grave would you like to dance on?

Dan, 29, web designer (left) and Devina, 28, graphic designer.

Dan: Who would it be? Hmmm. I’d have to say Hitler.

That's a pretty boring answer.
Umm, look at pretty much everything he ever did in his life.

Yeah, but it's so predictable. What about you, Devina?
Devina: I would have to say Hitler too, but he already took it.

Dan, 26, accounting (left) and Stu, 28, accounting. Both refused to be photographed, so here's a tree.

VICE: Whose grave would you dance on?
Dan: I don’t know, that’s a tough question. I'm Australian, so I don't really mind.

So you’ve got no one you’d want to inflict this upon? Have you never flicked on the TV and thought, 'Fuck, I want his grave danced on.'
No, not yet.

You seem quite cautious about all this.
You just don’t disrespect the dead, do you?

Tim, 40, business analyst: I’m trying to think who I dislike that much. I can’t think, sorry.

What about Thatcher?
No, I think she was alright, actually. It’s a bit out of order to dance on her grave.

So you can’t think of anyone? What about the Emperor from Star Wars?
He was a bit of a bastard, wasn’t he?

Definitely.

Stuart, 37, Graphic Designer: Hitler.

We’ve already had Hitler.
Simon Cowell?

Jesus Christ, people are dull today.
Right, I’ve got to go. I can't stand around, talking about dancing on people's graves all day long.

Scott, marketing: Does it have to be one person?

Are you suggesting we dance on a mass grave?
It would be almost every single person I’ve met, apart from you two. Nah, if there was one person’s grave I would dance on… Hmmm, I don’t know. Could you not piss on their ashes? You know, get the urn and pee on ‘em, have a shit in it? That would be a bit more effective than dancing on them. Do you know what I mean? Ultimately, you’re just dancing on a bit of grass.

You’ve taken this to whole new realm of depravity.
You’re just dancing on a bit of grass and a dead body. The body’s already dead. Why don’t you just dance on Maggie Thatcher while she’s in intensive care? If these people really hate her that much, they need to get on that. I bet you’re glad you asked me.

So glad. So, Thatcher's grave is your dancing partner, then?
Well, not Thatcher, because I don’t really know her that well. She fucked off a lot of people though, didn’t she?

She did. These people whose ashes you’re pissing on, though, what exactly have they done to you?
Breathing? I don’t know. I think I need to get laid – it’s been a frustrating period in my life.

How long has it been?
About a week. It's been a disaster.

Previously – How Do I Look Cool at University?